We were at a small sea-side town called Borgarnes in Iceland. We had been told about the geothermal pools there that we should go to. We were all excited, but I was filled with fear as well, although I had promised my son that I would give it a try. I have never been in a large pool before.
I have this extreme fear of being in large expanses of water. I love the sea, the rivers, ponds, waterfalls, etc. But I am equally terrified of them. Yes, I feel terror and the beauty in each. Equally. I have shared this great fear of mine with my son, who has always listened and gently nudged me in his own ways to step into those fears by simply trying. Something that I have not been able to do. But this time, there was some shift which happened within me during the retreat that I was in in Romania. At least that is what I think. And there was this urge to give it a shot....to simply try.
My friend had told us before the trip, how the most 'Icelandic' thing to do was to drive around and keep dipping into the geothermal pools along the way :). I had smiled to myself when she told me this, telling her how I didn't think I would ever do that. 'You must', she said and we left it at that. Some unconscious part of me must have been at work while we packed for the trip, because I packed an ancient swim suit that my dear son and husband had made me buy on a holiday, just to get into a private jacuzzi. That was the largest expanse of water I had been in and just once!
So yeah, we were at Borgarnes, at the place where the pool was. We paid the money and were given 'strict' instructions on what to do. Raghav and my husband went together into the men's room, while I tiptoed timidly into the women's room, my stomach churning and fluttering, filled with the fear of exploring the unknown. I sat down on the bench, took off my socks and shoes, put them away and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I was shit scared.
I stepped in gingerly into the space where women and kids were dressing, undressing, showering etc. Each one was in a different state of undress! And I was simply shocked! Never before had I seen so many people in the nude, leave alone women. And never before had I been in a situation where I had to be nude too! 'Could I just leave right now? I don't want to get into this!' I said to myself. But I couldn't leave. Perhaps I didn't want to. And of course, my son and husband would not know I had changed my mind....I had no way of telling them too, until I got to the pool! I was stuck! I felt trapped......by my own fears.
It was not a fear of just being nude. It was a fear of being nude in the midst of people I didn't know at all. It was a fear of being judged and rejected for who I was in my body, my form. 'What will people think of me?'
I ogled at the women with shock, disbelief and then a sheepish curiosity. Some older with huge, sagging breasts, some fat with heavy thighs, some skinny, some graceful, some stiff, some middle-aged and younger with pubic hair, some clean and hairless, some with skin bruises, some with scars and blemishes. Yes, that's where my eyes went......to all those parts that I had seen in myself with dislike and shame and lack. Parts that I had begun to love slowly and gently. And suddenly something shifted inside and I realised that we were all the same. And beautiful. It was a warm, happy feeling and I suddenly felt a little more at ease and safe. Yes, it was so important to feel safe. Safe in the body.
None of the women even seemed to care or even saw me ogling at their bodies. They just carried on doing their own thing as if nothing else mattered. Phew! That was what made me relax actually. I found my locker and carefully and slowly started undressing. I asked a lady if we could take the towel to the shower. She smiled, shook her head and pointed to the towel racks near the showers. "Keep your stuff there, take a shower and then wear your suit," she said and turned away to carry on showering. Yes, we had to strip down to our skin and in front of everybody. There were no private showers. No doors to close and hide behind.
I shivered a little as I walked nude to the shower from the locker. It was just a few feet. But I felt like a streaker, walking a ramp across the whole world. I felt as if a million eyes were following me. I heard voices yell out: "How can you do this?", "You shameless creature!", "You know you can walk out if you want....you don't have to do this." I felt something pulling me back. Yet, I walked on. Shamelessly. Into the shower. It was all over in a few minutes. The flow of water started and stopped automatically. I went to the rack and took out my swimsuit. I put it on with a sense of both relief and liberation. As if I had walked through the fire that I needed to walk through. And no one was watching me. No one but myself.
When I walked out the other side to the hot pool with the steam inviting me in on a bitterly cold day, the smile on my son's face was something that I could have died for! He hugged me and thanked me later for what I had done for him. A moment and a hug that I will always cherish. A hug that was for me, a celebration of a liberation that I had longed for, and realised how much I had longed for, only when I experienced it.....experiencing my fear fully. And yes, I enjoyed being in the little hot pools of water, holding on to the walls, leaning back and enjoying the feeling of weightlessness and wetness and warmth soak me up like I had never experienced before. Bliss.
A week later, the day before we left Iceland, we went to another geothermal pool. This one was much bigger and more crowded, more touristy. There were similar rules. But this time, that part was almost a breeze. Yes, I was terrified of letting go in the pool. It was large and much deeper than the other one. I felt like a toad would perhaps, in the sea. I held my husband or my son's hand tightly all the time. That was the way I could enjoy the experience. And yes, it was beautiful in its own way, as we held each other and moved across the water in search of warmer waters, as our faces were doused with freezing cold rain and wind! What an experience!
So yes, all this could have happened with none of this drama and heartache perhaps, back in India, where there is no need to strip or be nude before you get into a pool. It could have been much easier and more enjoyable. But that simply wasn't to be for me. This seems to be the fire I needed to walk through to journey into my body even deeper than before. And I am happy that I could open myself up to life to work on me in the best way possible.....for me.
Here is a poem that flowed through me later that night as I sat alone in the cottage, saying a quiet thank you to Life for bringing me all that I had ever needed on this great pilgrimage, and for choreographing it all to perfection .....
I have this extreme fear of being in large expanses of water. I love the sea, the rivers, ponds, waterfalls, etc. But I am equally terrified of them. Yes, I feel terror and the beauty in each. Equally. I have shared this great fear of mine with my son, who has always listened and gently nudged me in his own ways to step into those fears by simply trying. Something that I have not been able to do. But this time, there was some shift which happened within me during the retreat that I was in in Romania. At least that is what I think. And there was this urge to give it a shot....to simply try.
My friend had told us before the trip, how the most 'Icelandic' thing to do was to drive around and keep dipping into the geothermal pools along the way :). I had smiled to myself when she told me this, telling her how I didn't think I would ever do that. 'You must', she said and we left it at that. Some unconscious part of me must have been at work while we packed for the trip, because I packed an ancient swim suit that my dear son and husband had made me buy on a holiday, just to get into a private jacuzzi. That was the largest expanse of water I had been in and just once!
So yeah, we were at Borgarnes, at the place where the pool was. We paid the money and were given 'strict' instructions on what to do. Raghav and my husband went together into the men's room, while I tiptoed timidly into the women's room, my stomach churning and fluttering, filled with the fear of exploring the unknown. I sat down on the bench, took off my socks and shoes, put them away and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I was shit scared.
I stepped in gingerly into the space where women and kids were dressing, undressing, showering etc. Each one was in a different state of undress! And I was simply shocked! Never before had I seen so many people in the nude, leave alone women. And never before had I been in a situation where I had to be nude too! 'Could I just leave right now? I don't want to get into this!' I said to myself. But I couldn't leave. Perhaps I didn't want to. And of course, my son and husband would not know I had changed my mind....I had no way of telling them too, until I got to the pool! I was stuck! I felt trapped......by my own fears.
It was not a fear of just being nude. It was a fear of being nude in the midst of people I didn't know at all. It was a fear of being judged and rejected for who I was in my body, my form. 'What will people think of me?'
I ogled at the women with shock, disbelief and then a sheepish curiosity. Some older with huge, sagging breasts, some fat with heavy thighs, some skinny, some graceful, some stiff, some middle-aged and younger with pubic hair, some clean and hairless, some with skin bruises, some with scars and blemishes. Yes, that's where my eyes went......to all those parts that I had seen in myself with dislike and shame and lack. Parts that I had begun to love slowly and gently. And suddenly something shifted inside and I realised that we were all the same. And beautiful. It was a warm, happy feeling and I suddenly felt a little more at ease and safe. Yes, it was so important to feel safe. Safe in the body.
None of the women even seemed to care or even saw me ogling at their bodies. They just carried on doing their own thing as if nothing else mattered. Phew! That was what made me relax actually. I found my locker and carefully and slowly started undressing. I asked a lady if we could take the towel to the shower. She smiled, shook her head and pointed to the towel racks near the showers. "Keep your stuff there, take a shower and then wear your suit," she said and turned away to carry on showering. Yes, we had to strip down to our skin and in front of everybody. There were no private showers. No doors to close and hide behind.
I shivered a little as I walked nude to the shower from the locker. It was just a few feet. But I felt like a streaker, walking a ramp across the whole world. I felt as if a million eyes were following me. I heard voices yell out: "How can you do this?", "You shameless creature!", "You know you can walk out if you want....you don't have to do this." I felt something pulling me back. Yet, I walked on. Shamelessly. Into the shower. It was all over in a few minutes. The flow of water started and stopped automatically. I went to the rack and took out my swimsuit. I put it on with a sense of both relief and liberation. As if I had walked through the fire that I needed to walk through. And no one was watching me. No one but myself.
When I walked out the other side to the hot pool with the steam inviting me in on a bitterly cold day, the smile on my son's face was something that I could have died for! He hugged me and thanked me later for what I had done for him. A moment and a hug that I will always cherish. A hug that was for me, a celebration of a liberation that I had longed for, and realised how much I had longed for, only when I experienced it.....experiencing my fear fully. And yes, I enjoyed being in the little hot pools of water, holding on to the walls, leaning back and enjoying the feeling of weightlessness and wetness and warmth soak me up like I had never experienced before. Bliss.
A week later, the day before we left Iceland, we went to another geothermal pool. This one was much bigger and more crowded, more touristy. There were similar rules. But this time, that part was almost a breeze. Yes, I was terrified of letting go in the pool. It was large and much deeper than the other one. I felt like a toad would perhaps, in the sea. I held my husband or my son's hand tightly all the time. That was the way I could enjoy the experience. And yes, it was beautiful in its own way, as we held each other and moved across the water in search of warmer waters, as our faces were doused with freezing cold rain and wind! What an experience!
So yes, all this could have happened with none of this drama and heartache perhaps, back in India, where there is no need to strip or be nude before you get into a pool. It could have been much easier and more enjoyable. But that simply wasn't to be for me. This seems to be the fire I needed to walk through to journey into my body even deeper than before. And I am happy that I could open myself up to life to work on me in the best way possible.....for me.
Here is a poem that flowed through me later that night as I sat alone in the cottage, saying a quiet thank you to Life for bringing me all that I had ever needed on this great pilgrimage, and for choreographing it all to perfection .....
Broken Waters
and as I stepped out
from your womb,
my fears held safe
in your depths
all these years,
I felt the smelting
of heavy chains,
of unspoken terror
leaving me,
and I looked up
to the winter sun,
filled with a lightness
of a heart and body
that's finally learned
to feel and cherish
the wetness
and freshness
of broken waters,
given birth
to a sacred life,
waiting to be held
and worn.
~~~~~~
Here is a lovely film that came up today in my news feed and was the trigger that got me writing this post.....
https://vimeo.com/125692953?ref=fb-share
from your womb,
my fears held safe
in your depths
all these years,
I felt the smelting
of heavy chains,
of unspoken terror
leaving me,
and I looked up
to the winter sun,
filled with a lightness
of a heart and body
that's finally learned
to feel and cherish
the wetness
and freshness
of broken waters,
given birth
to a sacred life,
waiting to be held
and worn.
~~~~~~
Here is a lovely film that came up today in my news feed and was the trigger that got me writing this post.....
https://vimeo.com/125692953?ref=fb-share
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