the grief of being human

there is a grief
beyond
this utter wilderness
of loss

it is the grief
that I could not see you

I could not feel
beyond this veil
shrouding the truth

the truth of love
and of being human,
with you.

trails of love

the sky quivers

with every breath

of a passing cloud,

as I lie here naked,

stretched across the shores

of two worlds,

dying slowly

from both ends,

with every sunset passing,

without you.

there is no freedom

in love

only trails of memories

dragged upon my aching back,

only the sands of time spent

together

falling softy into the abyss

of this heavy heart,

only the shocking stillness

of a mind gone weary,

drunk on love,

only the pangs

of what must be forgotten,

rivetted in the richness

of a yesterday

that can never be born

tomorrow.

yes,

there is no freedom 

in love

like tomatoes and salt

there is something
ordinary
in the way
salt softens
the hardest of tomatoes
chopped,
that it holds me
in its magic
every single time

like relationships
that never end
on any note
other than
a soft becoming
of finding more
of growing more
of being more
together,
a more
that never was

NYEPI - The Day of Silence

Yesterday, March 25th, was Nyepi, The Day of Silence, celebrated in Bali. A day where you engage in silence, in pure self-contemplation, fasting, no phone, no internet, no entertainment. I read about a friend doing this the day before night. And was inspired to follow the same. No intentions, no plan. Just pure inspiration. So yesterday, I took a day off from here and from some other things. Silence. Speaking only when absolutely necessary, and only to my family. Being with myself wholly. Self contemplation. Phone switched off for the entire day from 12midnight the previous day, until almost 12 midnight yesterday. No internet. No laptop. No TV. No reading. No music. A water fast. No food from the previous night, until late last night. How was it? Absolutely effortless. And liberating. No withdrawal symptoms AT ALL for disengaging from FB or my phone or the internet. Was not tempted even once to go to any of those. And there was no tug or resistance inside that made me feel like I was exercising my willpower. I simply flowed with my simple everyday life, with absolute ease. This surprised me, as I did think I was addicted to these things. It was a revelation. And a celebration of me and the journey I have made and all that I invested in to get here. Here is what my day looked like.... I woke up and chose to connect with my body, where I was at, feeling into every part and how each was positioned. Woke up only when I felt absolutely ready. Went up to the terrace to sit and greet the morning sun, soaking it in, feeling its warmth and touch in every pore of my skin. Stayed in the stillness and silence of the morning, soaking in the vastness of the sky, the sounds of birds, the ocean in the distance, the fresh breeze, pausing with a butterfly dancing and then resting on a leaf in the distance, noticing things that I didn't notice before around me. Drank only water every time I felt a thirst pang or a hunger pang, or when I felt a tinge of dizziness. Wholesome, energy filled KANGEN water. Felt high on energy all day. Napped for about half an hour at the most. Lived on about 4-5 litres of water the whole day. And absolutely didn't feel tired at all the entire day. In fact, I achieved much much more in terms of work yesterday than I have in all these months. Spent time with my family - cuddled with my son, talked to him, shared what I was upto, tallked about the current state of affairs with the virus and its impact with Srinath, cuddled with some of the cats, talked with my mother about my fast. Did my chores around the house - cooking, feeding the cats and dogs, sweeping, washing up, dusting

• Cleaned up my work desk and set up, created my altar anew.
• Created a mandala, felt no desire to share it with the world, meditated twice in the morning and evening, sat with myself doing absolutely nothing, napped for a bit, lay down and felt into my body.
• Soaked in smells, textures and sounds even more intensely and felt them very close. Watched how sensing them triggered temptation and desire in me to eat, click pictures, record things to share.
• Watched every temptation and desire rise, and how I so wanted to act on each, or most; what they evoked in me; how a part of me wanted to just give up my fast and eat or atleast taste the food, how my eyes wandered to the snacks around, imagining the taste in my mouth, so desiring each and satiating my hunger, and how I was able to simply stay with it all and not succumb to temptation even once. It was a huge revelation.
• Then, in an explosion of creativity and flow, I sat down and created mindmaps on everything that I had been planning loosely in my head over many months. I just churned out one after another effortlessly with so much clarity! The silence and fasting sure helped immensely! And I have been in that kind of flow ever since. This simple act of coming home to myself, my home, and this cocoon of silence, balanced out everything for me, after all the intense stuckness I have been experiencing for so long now. Today, I feel like a dragonfly out of its old home...the water...and stepping out into the vast mysterious depths of an endless sky, with newly formed wings, still learning how to use them in every moment, in every breath of what feels like a new lease of life. ~ Silence. The primordial womb. Of creation. Of protection. And destruction. Where every ending transforms into a fresh new beginning. The smell, taste and feel of home forever here and always arriving.