the grief of being human

there is a grief
beyond
this utter wilderness
of loss

it is the grief
that I could not see you

I could not feel
beyond this veil
shrouding the truth

the truth of love
and of being human,
with you.

the world feels close today

the sun is closer today
setting fire to every pore
on this ragged skin I wear.
the world shrunk into one bubble
wrapped in ancient notes of silence,
what was once home.

a tiny bird resting on the
topmost branch of a bare tree,
filling herself with song and sun
today, I see her wings flap
a timelapse video
in a timeless pause,
she feels closer today
as I touch her softly
with my eyes,
even as she darts into the still blue
without a ripple.

a white tree stands out
in the crowd,
her stark purity
drawing my heart close,
I can smell her
from the distance today
and feel her flowers
celebrating life with their
utter softness.

and then, my eyes wander
upon the form of a tiny butterfly,
her orange matching the sun
as if it decided to come down
here and play with her for a while,
my being filled with music
the joy of simply being alive!

stoic pods hanging from the
roots of trees seeking sky,
with nothing
and everything
to do,
steeped into a patient waiting
for new life.

I look around

the world does feel closer today

like a home I never had
yet always wanted to feel,
where everything rests
in peace
the resting place of a billion hearts
looking for a forever home
that always is
that always can be,
if I remember
to feel
to pause.

Skin to Skin, Heart to Heart

and when you speak,
I feel the world
come alive
under your skin,
throbbing
with the waves
that rise and fall
with my skin,
as I drop into
the silence
of uncharted depths,
drawing me through
their smudged creases,
now spiralling,
free falling,
into the abyss
of a love
that can be felt
only skin to skin,
heart to heart.

The Blind Painter

and I watched him closely
as he painted
not what he saw
with his shrouded eyes,
but what he felt
with his empty heart,
as the canvas came alive
with unnamed colours
to fill my senses,
and his broken art.

What I want today....

Today, I am tired.
Tired of being the seeker.
Tired of wanting to know.
Tired of making patterns and trying to understand what may lie in store.

Today I want to simply be. Be an ordinary human.

I want to cry like a baby, while being held by a loved one.
I want to feel what it is to be held by someone who does not shush or ask me to stop crying....
Who does not wonder why....
Who just holds me in his/her arms, where I can empty my tears and sleep in the warm wetness of being held with love.

I want to feel anger and hate and pain and delve into the nerve-wrecking uncertainty of living life every moment. I want to feel them rise and fall again, one more time. I want to hold them with love, for they are a part of me.

I want to look at the scars and remember my old wounds....I want to feel them smarting like they used to....I want to feel the pain of leaving them untended and feel the relief in leaving them open and raw, so that they live out their life as I live out mine.

I want to feel my body tingle with joy and wonder like a child who has just discovered something precious - a shell on the beach, a rounded pebble, a spotted leaf or the answer to a question he has been asking himself. I want to know what it feels like to invite Joy and give him my most treasured chair in the living room. I have shut the door on him too often and for too long, while peeping out through the gap in the window, to see if he was still lingering around.

I want to know what it is to love like an ordinary human being. I want to possess and feel possessed.
I want to feel the pain of being in love. I want to feel the pain of letting go. I want to feel the sting of rejection. I want to risk everything, myself and all that I have. I want to fly on the wings of love and into the open sky, with a queasy feeling in my gut.

I want to get into my body, into my every cell and sinew. 
I want to feel with my heart and my whole being. I want to watch and feel it sink, flutter and fly.
I want to let loose.
I want to cry with my eyes and let my heart bleed.
I want to just be, without knowing why.
I want to live life.
I want to be real.
I want to feel alive.