The Sacred is in Me

Many years ago, we converted to eating organic food as a family, because of an impulsive decision we took as a family, led by our dear son. We simply trusted him and decided to change our lifestyle. Then it became a way of life.....something that I held on to more and more because I thought that my body was sacred and that I was abusing it by not giving it the best, most natural food possible. I saw that feeling of sacredness as love.....a deep love for my body. And I didn’t realise until a week or so ago, that what I considered a healthy 'alternative' lifestyle was actually becoming a lifestyle that I was on the verge of becoming fanatic about. It was no longer just another 'alternative'; it was 'the' alternative. I would drive more than 15km one way to go and get organic food from the store that I still love and consider a temple. I would get anxious and urge my son to get ready faster than usual so we could be there on time. Getting ready was something he has always had trouble with. But I did not give up. I was fighting two fears by doing what I did - the fear of losing control (to my son) and the fear of dying into an identity that I believed defined me. And in that not dying to both, I found myself holding on to both more tightly.

Last week, for some reason, I could not go to the organic store and so decided to get veggies from the man who sells veggies inside our community. I had a magical, beautiful experience that day, which broke open my heart, when I felt and saw the love, enjoyment and stillness with which he was doing his 'stressful' job of handling so many people single-handedly. That day, I suddenly saw this subtle fear (of losing control and dying) loom large.....and I realised that what I held as sacred was merely this fear disguised as love. And that was it....suddenly the need to hold on to one way of living just didn’t make sense or seem to matter so much. There was a loosening of the grip immediately. And then of course, I forgot about it.

Yesterday, I was again downstairs, picking some veggies, as both my son and I decided that we didn’t feel like going all the way to the organic store. My friend who was also there saw me and asked: "How come you are here today? Didn’t you go to .....to pick up veggies today?” It was then that I realised that I had already started walking a new path, without really knowing that in my head. I smiled and shook my head. There was no longer just one way.....there was no longer a need to follow just one way ...

I realised then how tightly I had been holding on to something which I believed was my path....and a sacred, sustainable, alternative path at that. I had thought that considering something sacred was about being committed to it, no matter what, and that somewhere the commitment that had come up in the moment, had taken on a new avatar when the moment then stretched to something more than just the moment. That is when it perhaps became bound to time and therefore tinged with fear....something that I was not even aware of.

A similar thing happened to me about ten days ago, when I was struggling to read things on the computer and in books with my glasses on (I have worn spectacles since I was 20 years old). My old self would have immediately fixed an appointment to go see the optometrist and get my eyes checked again, worried if there could be a change in power.....But on that day I simply decided to give this a try - to carry on without glasses for as long as possible and also to be open to wearing them if needed....That was it. No more thinking. On an impulse, I took off my spectacles and didn’t feel like wearing them again! I had a headache for a few days which I simply stayed with, and then haven't felt the need to wear them at all, except for one time. That was when the fear came up again while I was speaking to a large audience...On that day, I looked away from this fear, while facing the bigger one of speaking in front of a crowd :)....because it was too much for me to tackle both at one shot!

So what is sacredness all about? Is it revering something no matter what? Is it about being blind to everything else that one feels is 'not sacred'? Or is it about seeing everything as sacred.....seeing how everything is minutely and magically connected to everything else, and every time? Is it about seeing oneself as a 'special' individual and identifying with that completely, or is it about seeing the larger picture and the vastness and sacredness of that?

When these questions came up for me, I realised that it was as important for me to build up an identity for myself before being in a space (that life brought me to through experiences) where I simply felt like dying to that identity. And in that sense, death brings up an image of vastness and expansiveness that holds more and more and nourishes more and more inside of me. That for me is what sacredness is about. It is about a continuous dying instead of a wanting to survive and thrive, because it is in the dying that one really survives and thrives.....with a 'lightness' of being that cannot happen otherwise.

So sacredness is not always commitment. Not like I thought it was. It could be an over-commitment to a cycle that has reached its end or is taking a different turn. Commitment (as we often see it and speak about) is often a bending over backwards to follow a path like a horse with blinders on. Blinders have their own purpose and value. But the horse is larger than its blinders. Every horse also needs some space to think and feel and be without those blinders on, cavorting upon the wild green under an open blue sky! Commitment I feel has to be of, for and in the moment...a commitment to that inner guidance that is always showing me the way ‘to’ myself, not ‘away from’ myself....because my 'self' is always changing and growing and dying.....

So here are some more questions that came up for me as I stayed with these two experiences:

Is feeling sacredness about something making me wall myself in with my beliefs?

Or is sacredness something that draws me to trust life more and more, to lay out there in the open, for the wildness and wilderness to take care of me? Because there is something that is larger than me?

Which would make me feel light, open, airy, expansive and free?
Can I remember this and feel this every moment?
Can I see when even this way of being is walling me in in some ways?
Do I have that kind of commitment?

The key I guess is in dying to myself and what I believe and think is me.

 “She is free in her wildness, she is a wanderess, a drop of free water. 

She knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs. 

 'Time' for her isn’t something to fight against. 

Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water."

~ Roman Payne