The Bridge Across Forever

I belong to twilight,
in the silence
between worlds,
where things
are always arriving,
ending,
beginning,
without names.

I belong to dawn
in the stillness
between breaths,
where things
are always leaving,
dying,
being born,
without a whisper.

I belong
where nothing belongs,
only this life,
this body,
the bridge across forever
now.

इस मोड़पे मैं क्या करूँ?
छोड़ दूँ तुम्हें या बाँध लूँ?
इस तन में तन्हा उधार है
आखिर जीवन से कैसे जुदा रहूँ?

soliloquy

words 

come to me

in a poem

like a river 

flowing

to the ocean

somewhere

beyond,

a hopeless soliloquy

of a heart

finding its way

into oblivion.

just one tear

just one tear

finds its way

crawling

to the call of a heart

steeped in love

exploding

into the vagaries

of this stillness

devouring

every thought 

of you.

the grief of being human

there is a grief
beyond
this utter wilderness
of loss

it is the grief
that I could not see you

I could not feel
beyond this veil
shrouding the truth

the truth of love
and of being human,
with you.

trails of love

the sky quivers

with every breath

of a passing cloud,

as I lie here naked,

stretched across the shores

of two worlds,

dying slowly

from both ends,

with every sunset passing,

without you.

there is no freedom

in love

only trails of memories

dragged upon my aching back,

only the sands of time spent

together

falling softy into the abyss

of this heavy heart,

only the shocking stillness

of a mind gone weary,

drunk on love,

only the pangs

of what must be forgotten,

rivetted in the richness

of a yesterday

that can never be born

tomorrow.

yes,

there is no freedom 

in love

like tomatoes and salt

there is something
ordinary
in the way
salt softens
the hardest of tomatoes
chopped,
that it holds me
in its magic
every single time

like relationships
that never end
on any note
other than
a soft becoming
of finding more
of growing more
of being more
together,
a more
that never was

NYEPI - The Day of Silence

Yesterday, March 25th, was Nyepi, The Day of Silence, celebrated in Bali. A day where you engage in silence, in pure self-contemplation, fasting, no phone, no internet, no entertainment. I read about a friend doing this the day before night. And was inspired to follow the same. No intentions, no plan. Just pure inspiration. So yesterday, I took a day off from here and from some other things. Silence. Speaking only when absolutely necessary, and only to my family. Being with myself wholly. Self contemplation. Phone switched off for the entire day from 12midnight the previous day, until almost 12 midnight yesterday. No internet. No laptop. No TV. No reading. No music. A water fast. No food from the previous night, until late last night. How was it? Absolutely effortless. And liberating. No withdrawal symptoms AT ALL for disengaging from FB or my phone or the internet. Was not tempted even once to go to any of those. And there was no tug or resistance inside that made me feel like I was exercising my willpower. I simply flowed with my simple everyday life, with absolute ease. This surprised me, as I did think I was addicted to these things. It was a revelation. And a celebration of me and the journey I have made and all that I invested in to get here. Here is what my day looked like.... I woke up and chose to connect with my body, where I was at, feeling into every part and how each was positioned. Woke up only when I felt absolutely ready. Went up to the terrace to sit and greet the morning sun, soaking it in, feeling its warmth and touch in every pore of my skin. Stayed in the stillness and silence of the morning, soaking in the vastness of the sky, the sounds of birds, the ocean in the distance, the fresh breeze, pausing with a butterfly dancing and then resting on a leaf in the distance, noticing things that I didn't notice before around me. Drank only water every time I felt a thirst pang or a hunger pang, or when I felt a tinge of dizziness. Wholesome, energy filled KANGEN water. Felt high on energy all day. Napped for about half an hour at the most. Lived on about 4-5 litres of water the whole day. And absolutely didn't feel tired at all the entire day. In fact, I achieved much much more in terms of work yesterday than I have in all these months. Spent time with my family - cuddled with my son, talked to him, shared what I was upto, tallked about the current state of affairs with the virus and its impact with Srinath, cuddled with some of the cats, talked with my mother about my fast. Did my chores around the house - cooking, feeding the cats and dogs, sweeping, washing up, dusting

• Cleaned up my work desk and set up, created my altar anew.
• Created a mandala, felt no desire to share it with the world, meditated twice in the morning and evening, sat with myself doing absolutely nothing, napped for a bit, lay down and felt into my body.
• Soaked in smells, textures and sounds even more intensely and felt them very close. Watched how sensing them triggered temptation and desire in me to eat, click pictures, record things to share.
• Watched every temptation and desire rise, and how I so wanted to act on each, or most; what they evoked in me; how a part of me wanted to just give up my fast and eat or atleast taste the food, how my eyes wandered to the snacks around, imagining the taste in my mouth, so desiring each and satiating my hunger, and how I was able to simply stay with it all and not succumb to temptation even once. It was a huge revelation.
• Then, in an explosion of creativity and flow, I sat down and created mindmaps on everything that I had been planning loosely in my head over many months. I just churned out one after another effortlessly with so much clarity! The silence and fasting sure helped immensely! And I have been in that kind of flow ever since. This simple act of coming home to myself, my home, and this cocoon of silence, balanced out everything for me, after all the intense stuckness I have been experiencing for so long now. Today, I feel like a dragonfly out of its old home...the water...and stepping out into the vast mysterious depths of an endless sky, with newly formed wings, still learning how to use them in every moment, in every breath of what feels like a new lease of life. ~ Silence. The primordial womb. Of creation. Of protection. And destruction. Where every ending transforms into a fresh new beginning. The smell, taste and feel of home forever here and always arriving.

the world feels close today

the sun is closer today
setting fire to every pore
on this ragged skin I wear.
the world shrunk into one bubble
wrapped in ancient notes of silence,
what was once home.

a tiny bird resting on the
topmost branch of a bare tree,
filling herself with song and sun
today, I see her wings flap
a timelapse video
in a timeless pause,
she feels closer today
as I touch her softly
with my eyes,
even as she darts into the still blue
without a ripple.

a white tree stands out
in the crowd,
her stark purity
drawing my heart close,
I can smell her
from the distance today
and feel her flowers
celebrating life with their
utter softness.

and then, my eyes wander
upon the form of a tiny butterfly,
her orange matching the sun
as if it decided to come down
here and play with her for a while,
my being filled with music
the joy of simply being alive!

stoic pods hanging from the
roots of trees seeking sky,
with nothing
and everything
to do,
steeped into a patient waiting
for new life.

I look around

the world does feel closer today

like a home I never had
yet always wanted to feel,
where everything rests
in peace
the resting place of a billion hearts
looking for a forever home
that always is
that always can be,
if I remember
to feel
to pause.

CLARITY IS POWER

Some years ago, after an ordinary conversation with a friend, where we were talking about filters through which we see the world, I decided to do away with wearing glasses.

Yeah, just like that.

And I have never worn nor felt the need to wear glasses ever since.

The headache that was plaguing me disappeared. And I was able to drive the car at night without any problems.

I cannot see far into the distance. I cannot read the number plates of cars far away. But I can see enough. Enough to be safe and drive safe.

It was just a simple soul centered act on an impulse.

There is no logic to it.

Yet it worked.

For me.

And that's how I love to live my life mostly.

Not by being impulsive.

But by being inner sourced.

To go wherever my inner guidance takes me.

And yes, sometimes there are divine detours too.

It is all part of the game of Life.

Part of the package.

I had the clarity I needed to make the decision.

There were no lingering voices.

And that experience told me this.

That I always have enough clarity.

Enough to take the next step.

I may not know where I am headed or rather, how this step is going to lead to where I want to go.

But I know enough to pause, look around, listen and move.

Much like a spider listening to every quiver of its web.

Today I know this kind of clarity as power.

And as being in sync with Life.

Trusting in every step I take.

Yes, there are no mistakes.

There are only beautiful wanderings of a heart seeking home.

In every breath.

#clarityispower #innersourced #intuition #innerguidance #surrender #trust #mandalas

6Swati Joshi, Guy D Craft and 4 others

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happy lostness

when thoughts become
the fringes of a kite
baring its skin,
dancing
in the clear wind
of presence,
still and moving,
at once,
I rest in the soft humus
of my newborn heart,
feeling each tug
upon that string
of love,
binding oceans
and voids
of a happy lostness
in one ordinary breath
of sheer magic.

blessed death

if I could die
I would
in your arms,
in that one embrace
of breath,
of the cosmos
swirling
within us,
in our cells,
in our bones,
in our flesh;

if I could live
through that moment,
I would hold you forever
in my eyes,
in my heart,
in my breath,
a nameless god
who made me come alive
to this world,
to this love,
and this blessed death,

with no you,
no me,
just us
in one timeless breath.

white rose

I don't know why

this heart closed

like a tired bud

at night

and I don't know why

she opened

like the soft folds

of dawn

to lay down here

at this altar of breath

we share

some things

cannot be known

like this love

so white, 

so deep, 

so tender,

so luminous,

tearing apart

worn out skins

in her every fold

waiting for dawn

the sun's gone

to another world

for a while

he will be here soon.

meanwhile,

soon

is stuck

in the innards

of a lostness,

writhing,

weeping,

for all that's lost

and burnt 

and buried.

he will be here soon.

he must.

as breath struggles

between walls

that must graze

and bleed

against bone,

to understand

the shape

of me

being born.

he will be here soon.

I know.

as the dark blue 

spills and streaks

across painted skins

that must be worn,

and the ground

remembers

her art

of waiting

for dawn,

in the quiet

of a pregnant dream.

what must die

today,
I feel that last strand
of silver
upon dark waters,
tug at my skin,
to the chalk-face
of the moon,
as she turns her other face
away
to the other side
I can never see

today,
I feel a stinging tug
in those grains
in every sinew,
as they go through the motions,
of another ordinary day,
just another shade of grey
on white

and the moon,
she smiles from afar,
the lover I've had for too long,
reminding me
of the ocean I'd left behind,
the ocean that must not die.

radical

there are no tethers now
to draw me back
to you,
to the pleasures
of this skin,
to the notes you write,
to the songs you sing
in the name of love,
to the sheer negligee of comfort
that old ways bring,

there are no walls now
to be whitewashed or razed,
or doors to be anointed
in the name of devotion,
no masks to don and flaunt,
in the name of beauty and play,
and no emotions to be crocheted
into works of art,
there are no ripples
that skirt the surface of things,
in the name of stillness,

there is only freedom
that spouts
from the fount of darkness,
where there is no thirst
or hunger,
only that one call
I must heed,
to go home,
now.

violin strings

flesh strung across rigid bones,
plucked, tweaked
and sandpapered
on a bow of pain,
song flows like blood,
dripping with the scent
of a hollow wilderness,
there is no balm
for what must be walked and lived
alone,
like violin strings.

on days like this,
I just want to disappear
from this skin,
to become the breath -
without form,
without colour,
without texture,
without fragrance,
without sound

I want to melt
into the void -
that faraway place
always close,
closing in,
strangling me
with its sinews,
ruthless,
fierce,
yet utterly kind,
like the vessel
that holds everything
and nothing
against its walls,

on days like this,
I must remember
how I came to be here
like this one breath -
forgotten,
misunderstood,
and exquisitely alone.

this is how I walk now, alone

you know,
these hips,
they don't need to squeeze
through doorways
and clothes,
and seats,
anymore;
they kiss the breath
between things
with the feather of their skin;

you know,
these breasts,
they don't need to pout
for selfies,
and hungry mouths,
and group hugs,
anymore;
they singe desire
between the walls of this spine,
with the flames of their fullness;

you know,
these eyes,
they don't need to clamber
through walls,
and masks,
and wraps,
anymore;
they slice the dark void
between you and me,
with the blade of their truth;

you know,
this is how I walk now,
alone.

the scream

something is ripping off this bandage
I've worn
for many years,
perhaps since I was born.

layers peel off
one warp and weft at a time;
I can feel every hair
smart and pull
and singe,
I can feel
every pore that holds them,
being pried open slowly,

and nothing comes out
but this one shot of breath,
sparking the fires
that choke me;
unable to speak,
all I can do is shriek
and fall into that chasm
of dark silence
where there is no skin to hold me,
only the white emptiness
shrieking back at me.