Anger - Unsealed or Sealed?

I was in the kitchen as usual this morning. Making fresh pineapple juice for Raghav was on my to-do list for today. Chunks of juicy yellow slid into the shiny mixie jar, filling my nostrils, my breath, with swirls of fragrance of the freshly cut fruit. I glanced at the clock. It was almost 12. Raghav had just finished his hour long talk about a latest Mod in Minecraft after he had woken up. My body reminded me of all the aches and pains from yesterday's dancing. Perhaps I needed to rest, or perhaps I needed to dance more. In that moment, my mind took over. Ah, was it happy to be in the driver's seat again! I looked at Raghav. He was saying something. I wasn't listening. I asked him to repeat. He said that he wanted to have breakfast first and have a bath later. That was it! It was enough of a gap for my mind to barge in! It did! And I lost it.

I felt warm inside. I felt a surge of energy rise up....it felt like anger bubbling up like a fresh lime soda just made. What was it that triggered me? His wanting to postpone something and my not knowing when it would happen. My unwillingness to flex my boundaries today as I had to take care of my needs. My inability to figure out how to take care of both his and my needs together. My belief and rule that he had to have a bath as there are other things he simply cuts off from the day when he doesn't have one. My need to be in control of the space around me....phew!

I had to put forth my needs to Raghav. He had to understand that those were important too.....that he could not have his way all the time. He had to understand that I could not wait for him for so long to give him a bath, not today. There have been many times and days when I have done that. But today was not possible. Definitely not.

And so the anger splattered out....I felt and saw little blobs of red splashed on white.....in one instant. That was enough colour! Enough colour to stop Raghav in his tracks and add to the painting....some more red, before he disappeared into the room to be with himself, while I stayed with 'me'.....the 'me' who had suddenly jumped out like a Jack-in-the-box and was now staring at my face. How did she manage to come out? After all that careful watching over all these days? I don't know. But what I do know now is this - that she came out to make me read a message....a message that was revealed by something beautiful that followed.

So I decided to carry on with making the juice while Raghav was away. I fixed the lid, slid the jar into the slot where it fitted perfectly, and turned the knob on. Everything seemed perfect. Everything 'fitted' neatly. Until a few seconds later, the tiles, the counter and some bottles and things around had a generous helping of fresh pineapple pulp! It had somehow found its way out through the mixie jar! Maybe I did not shut it properly. Maybe it was too full. Gosh, what a mess! Now I had more work....more things to do and clean up!

As I was moving things and mopping up the pulp, I suddenly realised what the message was for me....what had just been revealed to me. And I also suddenly knew what to say to Raghav and how. I knew how to get my anger to flow freely. It wasn't a knowing that was planned out in my head. It was a knowing that stemmed from a different space inside. The energy was different. The message was in that mixie jar and how it had all played out in front of me. I held on to that image, waiting for Raghav to show up again.

Soon, Raghav came out of the room, put the things on the floor back in their place without any reminder (he had pushed down the laundry basket in his display of anger) and then came and hugged me and planted a kiss on my cheek. I hugged and kissed him too. And then, I spoke. I told him how I wanted to share something with him. This is what I said:
"I know you perhaps only think about 'now'. So when you finished talking about your Minecraft, you suddenly realised you were hungry and wanted to eat. You could not think of a bath then. You only could think of food. I understand that. But the way I see it, when you want to eat, it's just not about eating. You watch something on your iPad and eat and sometimes, even after you've finished eating, you continue watching something that you had already started off and then that goes on and on.....and I never know when you are going to stop, how long I have to wait. Some days I can wait. But some other days, like today, I cannot wait, because today I am tired and in pain. And I don't know if I will have the energy to give you a bath later in the evening like you wanted. I just wanted to share this with you."

Raghav immediately said he was ready to have a bath right then. I was pleasantly surprised. Strange how when I focused just on myself and understanding what was happening to me, inside me, he seemed to understand me too!

And strange how the mixie jar showed me exactly what I had to do......not to seal off my anger and deny it or push it away, but to unseal it, not by letting it splash all over the place, but by letting it flow up to the rim and be contained within. Free flowing anger brings with it a beautiful gift.....of redrawing and stretching one's boundaries. It is an act of creation and destruction, a pouring of energies into the old limits and edges one has set up for oneself. And then seeing if any of those limits can be stretched or changed in anyway. What a lovely life lesson in the kitchen!