Stuck.

frozen.
inside my soles.
I can't take
a single step,
even as my eyes
roam the horizon.
and the earth shakes
violently
beneath my feet.

muscles twitch
to feel an inch
of stillness,
in a world
with no margins,
no lines to follow,
no imaginings
to form patterns
with even wispy
beginnings
and ends.
only spirals.
endless.
folding into themselves.

cocooned
by Life
who knows
how to work
on me,
tired eyes
find their way home,
muscles twitch
and come alive
in the craziness,
dancing in skins
centuries old,
loosening their grip
on faithless bones,

and a tiny seed
opens itself out to the world
from its imposed tightness,
sinking invisible roots
into the sticky emptiness
and beyond,
waiting,
noticing,
becoming,
the effortless flow
of life within Life.

Breath of Life

and I stood there
with my head
resting
upon my heart,
as you thundered
through my every pore;
you whipped me,
caressed me,
carved me,
hollowed me out,
and ground me
to insignificant dust,
to carry me upon
your mighty shoulders,
and hold me close,
so I could feel
and merge with
the breath and flow
of all of life.

Stepping into the same river, twice.

every time I see a river
I catch it with my eyes,
I stop the flow,
or follow its course,
or dip my feet in
every once in a while;

and then I wonder
how it feels
to let the oft-held image go,
of not really stepping
into the same river
every time I watch it flow;

the meanders change
the reeds rise and fall,
ripples skid over smoothed stones;
and even as the water flows on
it has left itself behind
in the essence it shares and holds;

and then I see
what I could not see before
with my half-opened eyes,
for what I see with an open heart
is how I step into
the very same river, twice.

Joy Unplugged

and you poured yourself
into this one empty vessel,
until she trembled
and broke open
through her every pore;
only to become a sieve
who could hold you
not to fill herself,
but to let you flow through
to water and grow
a wild garden.

and when you told me
how you didn't love me,
my heart cracked open
just a little more,
for a love that's not felt
is a love that's forgotten
how and where to flow....

The Water Wheel in the Desert

like an inexhaustible well
in a dessicated desert,
the wheel of desire
now turns endlessly
unto itself,
refreshing
a parched heart
rooted, and
devoted,
to the shifting sands
and the fickle wind,
with dreams
in every dried up vein,
who knows
that a time will come
when the wheels
will turn again,
and she will
receive and give
without holding back,
the water
from the heavens
that flow down,
to create an oasis
of love and forgiveness,
even in the silence
of a Sahara sensibility.

A Postscript

I speak my heart,
I sing my song -
a thousand names
for pain and joy;
a desperate clinging
to moments
of not knowing
that flow and melt
like lemon drops
in the mouth of a child,
with no beginning or end;
and yet I scurry
like a fearful rabbit
looking to capture that hole
through which
all things pass -
known and unknown;
the hole
I think and believe
is me.

Feeling the Flow

Today I went down to cycle by myself as Raghav was unwilling to get away from what he was completely immersed in. It is the first time he let me go cycling by myself, and without asking me when I would be back. I decided to make the most of it :)

It was quite windy, after last night's rain. Usually the wind is quite strong in the gaps between the apartment blocks, so much so that it is really hard to pedal, and you want to just stop and walk. Usually when we go cycling, everything is timed and counted, as that is what makes it more challenging and fun for Raghav. So it took a bit of getting used to for me, to just cycle with no agenda or structure.

At first, out of habit, I looked at the time and then started counting the number of times I had gone around the block :) But soon, everything changed. I started getting 'into' the cycling completely. The wind was cool and fickle, suddenly blowing hard to tease me and test my cycling skills, and suddenly lying low as if to give me a break. It started to become fun! I started talking to the wind with my body.

I decided to just go by 'feeling the flow'. I slowed down considerably. When the wind blew hard, I did not stop, but pedaled really slowly. It pushed harder at me, but I did not stop, like I usually feel like doing. I was teetering as it was hard to keep balance while slow-pedaling. But I did not stop. I was going so slow that I could feel every muscle in my legs working. I felt the rhythmic movement of my legs moving in circles. It was soothing. The wind sliced my face, my hair streamed across my face blinding me temporarily. I closed my eyes and felt the wind. I could hear it blow alongside my face and body, sometimes whistling, sometimes rushing. It perked me up and made my hair stand on end. I felt truly alive and for a moment, as if I was flying off somewhere. As I turned the corner, the wind died down suddenly, disappearing into the darkness. Now I could pedal faster. I took care to pedal just fast enough to move with the gentle breeze. I did not want to rush or push myself too much. It felt like a little dance with the wind, taking turns to lead and step. I started getting into the groove.

I must have cycled for more than half an hour. I don't know how many rounds I did around the block. Must have been many more than usual. I didn't take a break at all like I usually do, nor did I feel like I needed one . I wasn't panting; I wasn't looking at the time nor counting the rounds. I didn't feel tired at all, nor any pain in my thighs and ankles, like I usually do. I could have gone on for much much longer. It was an amazing experience.

I realised that the difference was that I was 'feeling the flow' of the wind and adjusting my flow accordingly. I was not resisting the flow of the wind and pushing against it (which is what usually led to my feeling breathless and feeling pain in my legs); nor was I going completely with the flow (because then I would have had to stop completely many a time). What I managed to do by 'feeling the wind', was to 'feel the flow' and adjust what I was doing accordingly, so that the wind and I were equal partners, and neither was really 'controlling' or resisting the other. Rather, we were moving together, in our own flow. That was the difference.

That was an epiphany of sorts for me....to see that what we needed to do with our lives, to avoid pain and suffering, was also just to 'feel the flow' and move on. For when you feel the flow, your entire life becomes a dance that you are so enjoying. This dance is not about 'going with the flow', but rather about 'feeling' the flow of life, and 'feeling' our way through the flow of life.

Happiness

happiness is not
a stagnant pool
within,
it is not an arrival
nor a destination;

happiness rests,
elusive, alive,
in the flow
of this moment -
the shimering waves,
the broken reflections,
the becoming, and
the 'un'-becoming;

happiness is
the sweet anticipation
of a crescendo, and
the impending hollow
of sameness
where all the flippant notes
fall back to;

happiness seeks you
like little children
coming home
from school,
when you rest
in this moment,
knowing in your bones
that you are perfect,
that you are already home;

happiness is the butterfly
coming to rest
on your steady shoulder,
when you stop chasing it
through the endless meadows,
when you are ready
to be still and present
with yourself
and life.

A Pantomime of Love

If only there was
a world
without words
and war -
a pantomime
of love,

where breath
fills fully
every movement
every touch
rising from
the void
within;

where
love and grace
transform
silence
every step
of the way;

where
yin and yang
rest
in the silent well,
yielding to
the enemy inside,

unwinding
the riddle
of life; and
living Tai Chi
every step
of the way.

Let Your Cup Overflow....

love flows
like warm tea
you pour
into a cup,
with a self-forgetting.
let it overflow -
and not be
confined
by the narrow rims
of your mind;

let it be received
with joy
and reverence,
in an empty saucer,
that feels
the warmth
of the tea
in its silent,
pensive
waiting.

there is
a sweetness
and magic
in self-forgetting;
when you lose
yourself,
is when
and where
you find
yourself.

The Many Faces of Love

What we see and experience as different emotions or states of being- like fear, anger, guilt, sadness, hurt, joy, peace etc. are like the different petals of a flower....each beautiful, unique and an integral part of the whole flower....each petal is connected to the other at the centre, and that is what makes the flower complete....and yet each is a unique expression of love....

Love is not separate from these feelings...it is there - flowing, hidden, quiet, with all of these......and when we see each emotion or state like that, then what is inside, as the flower unfolds in this lifetime, is the source - Pure Love.

So when there is a conflict, love is still flowing. But the flow is different...like two sets of ripples moving out in two different directions ....the flow is different where they meet/merge...and yet there is flow.

Love is connection. When we feel love, we feel connected. When we seek love, we seek connection. Sometimes we seek it outside, and sometimes we seek it within. But the intent is the same - to feel connected with our own true self, our essence. When we feel connected in this way, we feel valued for who we are.

Anger, guilt, sadness etc. are all a deep yearning to express our true essence, which is love. It is a yearning to seek connection (without and within), as we do not know a better way of doing that. They are all states of disconnection, when love is not flowing in its pure, natural, free-flowing state. All are expressions that seek to change the status quo. When each has been expressed fully, they make room for love to return to its free-flowing state. All the other states/emotions can always be replaced and reversed by love, which is the source.

Notes to Myself - 3

Lakshman Rekha

What does living on the edge mean to me?
It means living at the edge of my comfort zone...my lakshman rekha.
My comfort zone is the little bubble that I create for myself.....the little space that feels safe....where I can retreat to when I feel the slightest unease or discomfort with something or someone.
But this is not a permanently defined space.....it is ever-expanding and ever-changing....
As I draw my own lakshman rekha, I define my comfort zone for myself, now.
My lakshman rekha is defined by my beliefs, my openness of heart and my own life experiences.
Each time the beliefs I hold on to dissolve and fade, and my heart becomes more open to giving and receiving, and I connect the dots in my ever-evolving life, I draw myself a new lakshman rekha.
Only to wipe this one away....and draw another one.....and another....

 ****************************************

Love seeks its own level

Love seeks its own level. Just like water.

It does not depend on the shape or size of the container that holds it.

It will fill up anything that holds the space for it.

Love flows when there is an open connection at both ends.

When there is instability in either of the containers, but the connections are open, readjustments and changes will occur naturally so that equilibrium is maintained.

*****************************************

Respecting the essence

When I understand and respect my own essence, I set myself free.

When I understand and respect the essence of another, I set that person free.

Connection is about understanding and respecting the essence of our own self and the other.

When you connect with someone, you love him/her in a way that makes him/her feel free.

Love Flows...

the sky breaks itself open
to let the sun take the stage,
and stitches itself up at night,
with the moon, stars and Swan Lake;
a tree spreads its arms wide,
just for me to rest in its shade;
a river flows along merrily
so I can dip my feet in to play;
my heart is in the sky -
at dawn and at night;
my heart is in the tree,
and in the river that flows by;
why dam the flow then,
of a love that brims over?
why hold back the wave
that seeks a quiet shore?

Owning My Power

My breath holds
the primordial fire
of a million stars,
the waters and winds
that flow from every nook -
both near and far,
the restless earth
that sustains
all of creation,
sprinkled with
magical stardust
for every occasion;
when I breathe in,
I am nourished
by the infinite cosmos;
when I breathe out
I sustain the power
of endless love;
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Flow in.
Flow out.
To wherever life takes me
on the wings of love.

On a Boat to Nowhere...

On a boat
to nowhere....
slithering into
smelted silver
and inky waters,
a black and white
polka-dotted sky
looks down at me
with a million eyes;
long shadows grow,
merge and then disappear,
like strutting models
on an endless ramp,
the radiant moon
swallows my melancholy
in one large swoop
of her ever-open heart,
waves lap relentlessly
against my naked form,
caressing me softly, gently,
into a flowing trance;
I can hear the clouds gather
over the warm, distant seas,
I can hear the still wind blow
through the dancing river weeds,
I can hear my breath flow in
and out to the all-embracing sky,
I can hear my little heart quieten,
to the song of silence, without a try;
I am on a boat
to nowhere in particular,
no oars, no companion,
no thoughts to get me over;
no dreams, no hopes to hold on to,
no fears, no letting go,
just to be, to flow, to wander,
as I travel alone in this dark river.

There is enough, for everyone

I dip my weary feet
into the cool waters
of a wayside stream,
making her journey
from the silent mountains,
through untouched forests,
by glaring highways,
meandering through noisy towns,
over naked grasslands,
and into the vast ocean beyond...
There are many
who drink from her fountain,
and yet, there is enough,
for everyone.

If only we can take our fill
in this moment, and
not fill her in a bottle,
sealed; a keepsake,
or to save us on a rainy day;
if only we can delight
in the joy she unfolds, and
watch her flow the way she knows,
to give us enough and more,
there is enough, for everyone.

Through the Eye of the Needle

I feel my mind and body
slip in softly and gently,
through the eye of the needle,
threaded with a keenness
to flow and just be;
mindfulness
comes with ease,
when the being is light.

What is Flow?

What is flow? 

What does it mean to flow with life?

These are questions that I have often asked myself in my long-drawn, never-ending process of self-inquiry.

The images that flash in my mind repeatedly when I think of flow are those of fluids moving from one place to another, sometimes slowly, and sometimes fast.....like water flowing from one place to another - the rivulets, ocean waves, rain, mighty rivers, cascades, water in a pond or lake, dewdrops, teardrops....everything that is water....I also think of more viscous fluids like honey, oil, molten lava and the like.....and then there is the gentle breeze, gusty wind, or the still, cool air that hangs over a mountain top...

And yet, when it comes to life, one is often made to stop in one's tracks to ponder over something that is happening, or something which is not happening the way one wants it to. Our path is often strewn with pebbles or pits that we usually mistake for obstacles that are slowing us down or making us stop or change course. I am now learning that they are only changing the way things flow....altering the pace or the course to open up countless possibilities.

And that realisation has made me wonder again about what flow actually is....what does it mean for me? Looking at the same things with new eyes, I now see everything, fluid or solid as flowing. So then, does a mountain flow? How about a tree, the earth, a flower, the stars, darkness or a tornado....do they all flow? I believe they do, because I have now come to understand that flow is "to just be"....when everything that exists is doing what it is supposed to do, in tune with its nature, it is flowing....flowing in harmony with the rhythm of the cosmos...and that I believe is what "flowing with life" means.....to be ourselves in this moment....for in being myself, I don't offer any resistance, I don't struggle...I just am....and so there is peace. That peace comes even when I find myself in the midst of a storm, or when the whole world around me seems to be crumbling. It comes from a complete surrender to what is before me now, without any expectation of a desired outcome. It comes from a trust that the Universe knows what I need. It comes from a space of knowing deeply that all of us are held in love, and are doing exactly what we are supposed to do now, and are in exactly the place we are meant to be.

So then, with that kind of belief, if I were to look at flow once again, what images would come up in my mind's eye? I can see towering mountains, still ponds with crystal clear water, huge boulders with jagged edges, giant trees that hold up the sky, tiny shells glistening on sandy beaches, a fast-spreading forest fire, or a volcano spewing out lava......one does not want to become the other...they are happy being what they are...and doing it with passion....how then can we feel that they are not flowing? Why do we as human beings find it so hard to flow? Perhaps it is because we don't know who we are. Perhaps we don't trust the Universe or ourselves. Perhaps we are often caught up in the race to be something or someone else.

Here is a poem that I wrote earlier on Flow .

Cutting Cabbage

I used to struggle
for a long time,
with cutting cabbage.

The knife,
the position,
the rhythm,
the space
between cuts,
was just not right.

Until
I figured
the best way -
to go with the flow;
learning
to hold myself
and the other,
and the space between,
until I finally got it right!

Life is like cutting cabbage.