simple joys

when you speak,
I wish I could feel
the wind dancing
through every pore
of your glowing skin,

when you laugh,
I wish I could curl up
in the corners of your smile,
and watch the world light up
as I jiggle myself to sleep,

when you move,
I wish I could follow
the lines and curves
of your fluid body
in their timeless postures,

when you grow silent,
I wish I could drop
into the mysterious folds
of your heart
to hear its unbroken song,

when you rest,
I wish I could catch
the fragrance of your breath,
lying still and alive
in the space within,

I wish I could be with you
in the simple joys
of meeting, of merging -
mind to mind,
heart to heart,
skin to skin.

'You are Here'

There is something about us humans and our affinity for maps, lodestones, landmarks and guides (both animate and inanimate). But even that does not seem enough! No, just a random map would not do, it would not serve any purpose. We just have to know where we are, and where we have to go, don't we?. We panic when we feel lost. We are too scared to die into insignificance.....to become a black speck in the inky darkness that we find ourselves in every now and then. And so we come back to holding on to ourselves over and over again....the 'You are Here' spot, which fills us with a balmy warmth, from where we can breathe again more freely. But where are we really? What is that spot where we think we are? Do we even know? Would we? If we were not followers but explorers?

After two weeks of intense yet relaxing traveling, I am back home.....to what I think and feel is home now....after finding and living in many homes over the last few weeks.....homes in beautiful countries, homes in beautiful hearts. As I stepped in, I felt a wave rise and wash over me, taking me along...to a space where there was only darkness - not a darkness that often presupposes 'a lack', but a darkness that exudes mystery....and I found myself in the very same space that I had been all along, for many years, and more ...that space of not knowing where I truly belong.....of feeling like I belong everywhere, and so nowhere,.... or belonging nowhere, and so everywhere. And suddenly, I feel no need for a map like I used to. Or maybe the map has changed. Or I am exploring uncharted territory and so drawing the map as I go along. And so, yes, I feel lost. But it's a happy kind of lost.

On the 27th of June, I was talking to a dear friend on the phone and shared how I was going through something...and feeling lost.....because I did not know where I belonged. I hung up and went to see my father who had been a little sick for the last few days. I don't know why, but when I saw him and he started speaking to me, I hugged him and broke down. I shared with him what I had been feeling deeply.....that I didn't know what 'family' meant anymore, that I didn't know where I belonged, that I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. And he hugged me tight and cried with me too, telling me how much he loved me. A few hours later, he took in his last breath and let go of that last breath in that human form. Perhaps we shared our angst of not knowing where we belonged, in those few moments. But I will never know. What became clear to me in that moment and later was this - that I was no longer as worried about where I was, where I belonged or did not belong.

Today, as I entered the house after being in so many different places, all those moments flashed past my eyes, and the inside of my throat lumped up. I missed you, appa. I remembered you, appa. For I am still there - lost.....not knowing where I belong. But there is no sadness about that this time. The sadness that is there is that you are not here. Otherwise, it's different. There is a peace and a freedom of simply being.....being me....happily walking that uncertain, intangible, fuzzy edge of not knowing where I am and where I belong.

And yet, I can also see how a part of me clings to a story....one tentacle grabbing onto something to survive, to thrive, for now....for as long as I need to. And so I hold on to the grief of losing you and the joy of receiving your blessing - the last blessing that we were graced with as you closed your eyes. Yes, you told us how much you loved us. You told me how special I was. You wished the best for us three, asking us to mark your words.....that we would go places. I believe it is a blessing we were so privileged to receive.

Yet, I missed you for being the only one I knew of, who was always a partaker in my joy, with no agenda, with no feeling of lack, and so being able to receive it fully and openly. Today, I am so happy. Happy with my life and where it has taken me. I am happy and grateful to all that has come my way in the form of opportunities, people, places, wealth, art, experiences and much much more. Yes, I am so happy appa. But you were not there physically present to feel this with me, like I knew you would have, if you were alive and in a body. I miss touching and feeling you. I miss your hug, your laughter, your presence. And yet, you are very much there in me. I can feel it, sense it, hear it, even though it is not the same. And so I imagined you calling me and asking about our trip. I heard the conversation so clearly.....the tone of your voice, the words, your smile through the phone....all pointing to the happiness you were feeling just knowing that I was happy and listening to the story of the magic and how it all unfolded. I yearn to share joy like that with people.

So yeah, that's where I am. In a space of ease and lightness.....of being happy with not belonging anywhere, and so belonging everywhere.....to be able to walk along the fringes when needed so I can jump into anything I want to that draws me in, whenever I feel like it. To respond to life. To wait to be invited to the party. And to simply invite myself by telling life that I am ready to be invited....that I am here!

And that changes the way I look at the 'You are here' spot on the map that is forming now. While I saw it earlier as a place on an already charted map, showing me where I could go, which direction I could head in, I am now seeing it very differently.....I see it as a beautiful spot in an unexplored land, where I can simply stand, marveling at the beauty of the landscape, and tell life loudly and clearly.....that I am ready and here for it to take me where it wants to take me, and where I need to go!

To just know that 'You are here'! Ah! What freedom!

Tears

Have you ever been
caught in a moment,
when your eyes
welling up
with flood waters,
poured themselves
into the toothless smile
of a child,
who knows only
how to laugh
into Life's face?
Tears hold more than
what the eyes can see
or the heart can feel.

The Umbrella

I stepped out into the world
with an umbrella tucked
firmly under my arm,
eyes squinting strangely
at the glaring sun,
and shying away from
the black clouds
now on the prowl -
a cadaver wading
through sticky roads
with other sardines
jostling in prying hordes;
until I happened
upon that little sparrow
who darted across to thaw
those long-frozen eyes,
and the yellow butterfly
with moist paper wings
who drew me into
her pretty dance;
and then, suddenly,
my skins, they crumbled,
strides moved to skips,
eyes became water,
hands paper ships,
roads turned to rivers,
and corpses to blips,
and well, the umbrella
was carried home that night,
with some flowers,
stones, fireflies and twigs.

Being Child, Becoming Woman

and I slipped into her robes
for a while,
so I could feel
what she would feel,
and I saw Joy -
a little child
rediscovering
her eyes, her hands,
her voice, her feet,
and the tune
of her own heart
drumming with mine -
both growing,
being children,
becoming the women
they were always meant to be.

Joy's Friends

and when Joy came home
the other day,
she brought her friends along -
Jealousy, Anger,
Pain and Guilt,
so they could sit
with each other
and look deeply
into each others' eyes,
and drown themselves
in Love.

Joy Unplugged

and you poured yourself
into this one empty vessel,
until she trembled
and broke open
through her every pore;
only to become a sieve
who could hold you
not to fill herself,
but to let you flow through
to water and grow
a wild garden.

and I danced
so I could close
my wandering eyes
and see the whorls
of the cosmos
exploding inside.

and I danced
as my feet were moved
by the pulsating earth;
my soles were bells
on her joyous feet.

Serendipity

I thought my life
was an idle road map
of unsightly tunnels
mined through the face
of a single leaf, somewhere

until I found that magical place,
where the splendid sun
danced all day
on those delicate meanders
of molten gold;

and in that one
breath-taking moment,
I stumbled upon
the resting shadows, where
tiny four-leaf clovers grew.

Endless Love

all she wanted was a place
to unwrap her long-folded heart
now bursting at its seams,
a place where her smiles lengthened
like warm shadows
growing and glowing
over a seamless, full-bloomed day;

all she wanted was a place
where she could walk or dance
unburdened, unleashed;
a place where her soles could kiss the soul
of a giving, affirming earth,
where her breath moved freely
through countless hidden pores,
for she was born out of endless breath;

all she wanted was a place
to die and give birth to herself
over and over again;
not for once stopping to hold
and change her course
seeded by a fickle will,
but to fill every nook and crevice
of wounded hearts with little room
for themselves and others;

all she wanted was a place
where she could stretch and spread
her unused wings into the vastness
of a wind-swept sky; for
you cannot bring the ocean to a river,
but you can call upon the unhewn wind
to fill an empty bottle or hollow reed
with formless, endless love.

When I Went Looking for Joy

there was a time
when I went looking for joy -
in the forests,
in the mountains,
in the flowers,
in the sky,
in the ocean,
in the moonlight,
in the music,
in the whys,
a joy that was elusive
like a mirage on a long drive,
or raindrops that vanished
in the steam of the sky,
she was never there
where I looked,
and always there
before she was found -
like a one year old
playing hide and seek
never hidden, and so
never found!
and then I found her
right here,
watching me grope around,
what a fool I had been
to look for her
in the 'Lost and Found';
and so I learned
to play her game,
without questioning
or taking sides,
to dive into the space
between knowing
and not knowing,
for that's where she hides!

 

Filigree Leaf

I am but
a tender leaf
fluttering
in the wanton wind
who carries
now
a faint hint
of sweet fragrance
of what was
and what is to come,
and while I dance
in gay abandon,
twirling
in this unsullied moment
with my
sunlight dappled cloak,
joy fills the holes
of my filigree existence.

Blue Pearls of Joy

Joy -
a string
of blue pearls
rests
in the silent depths
of a dark ocean;

suddenly
broken,
scattered,
by a wave
of silence,
they rise....

iridescent
bubbles
effervesce
towards
the ethereal
blue light.

There's no one to hear me cry...

There's no one
to hear me cry.

I cry
to the sea,
for she holds
my tears
with joy
in her waves,
as they
rise and fall
while she
rests in herself.

I cry
to the river,
for she takes
my tears
to distant lands,
in her flowing bosom;
stories of pain
shared with
steadfast banks
who are with her, always.

I cry
to the rain,
for she gathers
my tears
in her arms,
to nourish
the virgin earth,
and dust-laden trees
cleansed of their
forgotten sins.

I cry.
But there's no one
to hear me cry.
No one to witness
the struggle -
mine and theirs,
of simply being human;
no one who wants
to feel and hold
Joy in their hands
as she is being birthed.
Yes, there's no one
to hear me cry.
And so I cry, to myself.

Joy

Joy
bursts
into nothingness -
a cactus flower
sits on a
pincushion,
blooming
inside out,
held by
thorns
piercing
a barren sky
that looks to
a parched earth.

Let Your Cup Overflow....

love flows
like warm tea
you pour
into a cup,
with a self-forgetting.
let it overflow -
and not be
confined
by the narrow rims
of your mind;

let it be received
with joy
and reverence,
in an empty saucer,
that feels
the warmth
of the tea
in its silent,
pensive
waiting.

there is
a sweetness
and magic
in self-forgetting;
when you lose
yourself,
is when
and where
you find
yourself.

Notes To Myself - 5

True leaders are those who do not impose themselves on anyone, who do not sustain their power by creating a division between themselves and their "followers", who are not victims of their own need for power and control, rather they are the ones who are happy to give their power away, and listen to what the others really and truly need.


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I am finding a certain peace that comes with listening to my body.....perhaps I will feel that I am listening completely to my body only when I can get out of ALL routines bound by time.
I am learning to listen to my body and to stop walking or cycling when I start feeling tired physically or mentally. I am learning to decide when to push it a little more and whether I really want to, and why. I am trying not to stop and look at the time when I am walking or cycling. I am discovering that on some days I can go on for half an hour or more, and on other days, only for 10-15 minutes. I am learning to feel okay about that. I am learning to not get wound up when I cannot meet a goal that I had unconsciously set up for myself. It is a good feeling to get away from the mind and into the body....to go with the flow....it is so much easier. 

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When I seem to be caught time and again between what I want to share with others and why and what responses I get, I try and look within.

Sometimes, there are needs that have to be met, that I knowingly seek outside. When those needs are met, I feel happy and satiated. If not, I feel sad or hurt and sometimes even angry or irritated. Both are great learning experiences for me though. Both are wonderful places to be, as there is always some deep learning that happens.

For me, it is the intent that holds the key. When I am completely open to owning my own feelings, I am open to the others' feelings...and however that makes me feel, I am open to stay with that. But when I expect only a certain kind of response to what I am sharing, and close my heart to some of my own feelings, I find myself building a wall inside quite unconsciously, that keeps people away, or hesitant or wondering or wary. And that is not such a nice place to be for me, when I often yearn to seek connection.

What I find working for me now, is to simply ask for what I want - to just put it out there. Or, to share what I want to, and being okay with every kind of response, as an offering to me. This is a much better place to be for me, as the connection is kept open from my side - the connection to my own self and the others.

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 'A paradox is not a conflict within reality. It is a conflict between
reality and your feeling of what reality should be like.''
- Richard Feynman

Every paradox holds a gift waiting to be opened.


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 Sharing my joy today with vulnerability...after wallowing in the doldrums yesterday...that makes THIS all the more sweet...

Met a family with a young girl in 6th Grade, at the organic store I go to every Saturday. I was surprised when the mother started our conversation with a quick 'hi',as if she already knew me, and then went on to say that she had watched the Youtube video where I had shared my journey about homeschooling my son, and also the one where R had shared what he felt about homeschooling, and how that had touched her deeply...she said she was convinced then that homeschooling was the way for her family...and also said that she was following my blog, and that that had given her a lot of strength and answers to questions that she often asked herself...how she had feared earlier that her daughter would get addicted to TV and other media, and how she is less worried about all that now...

It was also heart-wrenching to listen to her story....how her daughter developed bone cancer in her hand when she was barely five years old, how she survived all that, had a prosthesis inserted in that hand, and how she now really wanted her to pursue her interests instead of wasting her time in school...I realised how Life constantly gets us back on our feet....whenever we think we have the greatest problems on the earth, someone comes by who seems to have even greater problems....this has been my constant learning from my life experiences...

I am quietly happy today, with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart.....this gives me more inspiration to write with all my heart...

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Letting go is beautiful...much like the wispy dreams that you hold in your heart and set free into the heart of the Universe....memories may come back to haunt you again some other time, some other day....and in that coming back, you will also remember the sweetness of how you chose to let go....

How to eat a Mango

How to Eat a Mango

Today I really enjoyed eating a mango after a long time! The reason is that I ate it whole, and not skinned and cut up into neat cubes, served in a bowl with a spoon....yeah...when you eat a mango, you must eat it "wild" It definitely tastes divine that way!

Many many years ago, when I was a little kid, I remember sitting down and watching my grandmother eat a mango, every single day, when mangoes were in season. It was a ritual of sorts with her. She would eat it whole and wild and that evoked a certain joy and mystery even for the little witness - me! I was fascinated to see how she would devour it whole, with a deftness that came with practice and enjoying the moment fully. She reminded me of a little squirrel enjoying a fruit from the tree.

She would keep one mango for dessert after every meal of the day. She would wash it thoroughly and keep it in a plate next to her, to eat after her meal. When she was ready, she would hold it in her hand, bite off a tiny part of the skin to make a hole in the fleshy fruit. She would then suck on the fruit through that hole, every now and then squeezing and pressing down the sides with the same hand, to get the juice and the flesh to move up slowly near the hole she had made. I still remember the joy on her face, and the enjoyment, almost a self-forgetting, when she ate a mango like this! She would often close her eyes, to probably get into the experience more completely. She would be totally lost to everything else around her. And that was how she patiently finished the entire fruit...just through that little hole. It was an amazing experience for me to watch her ! And she never got her hands messy after all that. If by chance some of the juice trickled down her palms and hand, she would gently lick it all up in one stroke of her tongue!

When she got down to the very end of the fruit, she would tear the skin open with her mouth, and get the seed out. She would then lick on the seed and strip it of all its flesh, until it was smooth and bald. Every part of the skin would be stripped of the tiniest bit of flesh, She would then wash the seed, dry it in the sun for a few days, and then plant it diligently, every single time, in the hope that one of those would become a tree. And that did happen! Two of the many seeds, sprouted and grew into two mango trees (Alphonso), that we had to leave behind for someone else to enjoy, as we had to move house

Today, as I ate a mango like she used to, I remembered her fondly. I also remembered how we were made to sit and eat mangoes as little kids, in our petticoats and sometimes even without that, simply because they didn't want us to get all messy and spoil our clothes!

Eating mangoes is fun when it is wild!
Wild= free = joy unlimited!
Try it and see for yourself

Simply Human

I am an infinitesimal piece
of an endless jigsaw -
I don't want to compete
with anyone else,
I don't want to spend
an entire lifetime,
trying to find out
how I fit into the whole;
to complete a picture
that can never be completed;
I want to live on the edge,
and stretch myself to my limits,
to fill my own tiny broken self
with all the pain and joy
that it takes -
to be
simply human.