Connecting the dots and healing

"...Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life....."

These words of Steve Jobs in his well-known Commencement address, came back to my mind today as I went through two overwhelming moments - one after the other and looked back on some of the most heart-wrenching moments of my life. It was amazing that both these events happened in unison today and that was perhaps the message for me......to connect the dots and heal.

Some days ago, I had been browsing one of the online forums of the homeschooling community here, and I stumbled upon a comment made by someone, who was involved with the World Breastfeeding Conference in some way. After my recent blog post on food and unschooling, I have been thinking a lot about how I had breastfed my son. This comment drew my attention, and I sent her an email with a general query. This morning I got a reply from her with an attachment to her blog post on her experiences with her daughter. I had tears in my eyes when I read that and re-lived every moment of the weaning process that I had experienced with my son. It was very painful.

Here is an excerpt from another blog post that I did earlier on Food and Unschooling, where I share the pain of the weaning process:

I breast-fed Raghav till he was almost 1 year and six months. That was the only time perhaps that I listened completely to my baby for his nourishment needs. My gynaecologist told me not to feed on demand after a few days and asked me to get him into a schedule even for breast feeding. But I did not listen, because somehow I felt that that was not right. I could not bear to think of my baby crying in hunger or thirst and deny it the only nourishment it could get then. So I followed my heart and my instinct. Raghav’s pediatrician however encouraged me and insisted that I breastfeed him as long as possible. I did until it was “time” to wean him off. People around me suggested a number of ways to do that, none of which sounded right to me – from disappearing for a few days so that he would “forget”, to being firm with him and saying no, to giving him a special cup filled with cow’s milk every time he asked to be breast-fed and many other ways.
 

That period was very stressful for me, as in my heart I could do none of those, and I did not know any better. I tried many things and none worked. Finally, I just let him cry his heart out in front of me one day, held him close to me, and patiently suggested alternatives. He would not take any alternative and chose to remain hungry. This happened for three days! At the end of it, he stopped asking to be breast-fed and refused to drink any other form of milk! I should have realised then what my son was made of – he was made of an indomitable spirit and strong will that no one else could break. 
As I write this today, even after all these years, my eyes well up and my insides churn as I relive those heart-wrenching moments that made me into a demon of sorts…..moments of despair when I thought myself unfit to be a mother. Today, however, I am ready to share my story here, because I have forgiven myself for what I did in ignorance. I would love to find out and hear other parents’ stories of how they weaned their children -  if they just gradually moved on to other foods without any effort to wean – things that I did not know and no one guided me about.

Ever since I wrote that blog post on food, these thoughts have been on my mind.....somewhere....as I had a question that I had somehow never bothered to ask anyone.....and somehow did not seek an answer too. But now, here was an opportunity to get an answer, and I kind of knew what the answer would be :) Ironically, I did not listen to my intuition and follow my heart on this one earlier!

This is what I wrote to my friend in my email asking her about breastfeeding:

I have had a very painful experience with weaning off my son when he was 1 1/2 years old. Somehow I never felt right about doing that. Then, I did not have the conviction to listen to my own inner voice and listened to the elders and everyone around me.

Just wanted to ask if anyone that you know of has done it gradually or in a different , more pleasant and peaceful way with their children. Though late now, I would like to learn a better way of doing that and perhaps suggest to people I meet the rest of my life. Will children not learn on their own, just like everything else in life, that they need to eat other kinds of food, and do it when they are ready - automatically, instead of us pushing them? That is my question.

She replied to me with a "YES!"Of course!"and sent me a link to her blog post on this. I was deeply moved and stirred when I read what she had written about her experiences with her child. I cried like a baby as I read her words and relived all those heart-breaking moments that I had had with my child. And through that I healed.

It was healing because I finally found the answer to a question I had never asked until now, in the words "She had moved on when she was ready"......a question that was part of a larger quest....of being and learning what we need to in this world as human beings.....a question that was simmering inside me for a long time and finally found satiation.....I healed because I understood that what I had done in the past with my own child, was in complete ignorance...and that I was being too harsh on myself by feeling guilty about it......I healed when I revisited those precious moments of breast-feeding my son through my memories, thoughts and feelings.

A few hours later, I stumbled upon another totally "unrelated" post by another friend on the same forum. It was about Dignity and she was sharing it from another e-group discussion. I could feel the pain that the author shared through her writing, and as she recounted the moments after the birth of her son, her lack of knowledge about birthing options, how her son showed her the way, how she got back her dignity and how she nurtured her son's dignity as her purpose in life, I remembered how I went through similar emotions too when my son was born. And how I have been healing my dignity too, like she says, when I protect and nurture his. All along, until now, my son too has been SCREAMING to me to wake up and see the world through his eyes. I perhaps see it that way more now, than I did earlier.

These two events in quick succession in one day, were SCREAMING to me too.....to connect the dots and heal! I realised how my son too had screamed to me loud and clear, even when he was a baby, to be mindful. He would cry and kick and make loud sounds if  I talked to anyone or did anything else, while breast-feeding him.  He also disliked being fed in public and in a place with lots of people - he would calm down and feed properly only when it was quiet and when he and I were alone. There were so many lessons there on living!

My son also dislikes being "taught"anything in his life, and like she says, this quote of John Holt has been my compass too:

"Next to the right to life itself, the most fundamental of all human rights is the right to control our own minds and thoughts. That means, the right to decide for ourselves how we will explore the world around us, think about our own and other persons' experiences, and find and make the meaning of our own lives. Whoever takes that right away from us, as the educators do, attacks the very center of our being and does us a most profound and lasting injury. He tells us, in effect, that we cannot be trusted even to think, that for all our lives we must depend on others to tell us the meaning of our world and our lives, and that any meaning we may make for ourselves, out of our own experience, has no value." ~ John Holt

Today, I understand the way he sees the world a little better...and try and see it with his eyes as much as possible....this unschooling way of life has made me trust that the dots will connect in the future....it has allowed me to live in the moment, while connecting the dots backwards....to walk on a path of self-guided, free learning as collaborators and heal our past wounds - TOGETHER.

The Miracle of Mindfulness

Last night I was reading "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay), just before going to bed. One para stood out of the page literally "talking" to me! It has stayed in my mind ever since and echoes something deep that I have often felt for a long time, but have been unable to express as beautifully as it has been done in these words from the book.

The words that I am quoting are from a part of a conversation that Thay has with his friend who was visiting him with his seven year old son. This friend of his has two kids, one much younger than the one he had brought. In the two hours that Thay spent with them, he found that their conversations were constantly interrupted by the seven year old, who demanded undivided attention.Thay tried hard to keep him occupied with books and other things, but the little one just tossed them aside. Later, when they did get to find a little time to chat and Thay asks his friend how easy family life was for him, his friend answers with a smile:

"I've discovered a new way to have a lot more time. In the past, I used to look at my time as if it were divided into several parts. One part I reserved for Joey, another part was for Sue, another part to help with Ana, another part for household work. The time left over I considered my own. I could read, write, do research, go for walks.

But now I try not to divide time into parts anymore. I consider my time with Joey and Sue as my own time. When I help Joey with his homework, I try to find ways of seeing his time as my own time. I go through the lesson with him, sharing his presence and finding ways to be interested in what we do during that time. The time for him becomes my own time. The same with Sue. The remarkable thing is that now I have unlimited time for myself!"
 
And this was something that he had discovered for himself in his own daily life - not something that he had learned from reading Thay's books.

I found that this is true for me too, for I have often felt this way as I live my life with my family. Many of my well-meaning friends and relatives urged me to do something to meet and take care of my own needs, which were often looked at as separate from the fabric of my life.....'take time off for yourself - it is important....you do have a life beyond your child...." was the usual refrain. Somehow, those words didn't ring a bell for me; they didn't inspire me to find and make the time for myself. However, very often I found myself swayed by these words and other conversations that I have been witness to or a part of in my life. I often found myself  caught in a conflict and churning within....not knowing what to do. So I went back and forth - desperately trying to make that time for myself, talking to my son and my husband.....

Until it all fell into place so magically  one day - the day I drew my son. While I shared the end-product with everyone around me, as I could not believe the magic that happened that day, I could not find the words to share the process. The happiness that I felt when I heard what my friends had to say when they saw the end-product was in no way comparable to the sheer joy and magic that I felt in those moments, when I was truly mindful with my son.

My son was building the Lego Taj Mahal for the third time in a little more than a year. He would ask me to find and collect the blocks he needed for each step, and I would oblige. After a while, when it got too repetitive for me, and I told him that I would find something else to do there while he built, he suggested that I draw him, just as I had done on our recent holiday. As he was constantly moving around and I could not get down to drawing him, he immediately suggested that I draw him from a photograph of his. So that was how it all started and ended. But what went on in between?

It had been more than twenty five years since I had attempted sketching seriously! - the last serious attempt was when we learned art from a master who used to come home to teach my sister and me, when we were in school. After that, I lost touch and interest with art, except for a few occasional attempts at dabbling in sketching for a newsletter and so on. But that day, when I sat sketching him, my fingers seemed to have magic in them.....they could not stop, and did not want to....and everything just flowed like water - there was not even one place where they got stuck....I felt an inexplicable sense of peace, joy and a deep deep connection, as I made that sketch of my son. I felt every single part of him come alive as I drew them. And that to me was the miracle of mindfulness - I had suddenly found a glimpse of that again - the lesson that I have learned from my son time and again.

"Mindfulness is the miracle by which we master and restore ourselves."