Sunday, June 29, 2014

Trust

my heart follows
a pretty ribbon
of painted storks
flowing through
a murky sky;
a quiet,
unhurried power
in a brewing storm.

an unshakeable trust in life
lifts and holds you
like the gentle zephyr
who whispers love songs
beneath the wings
of air fairies,
flowing on
to uncertain skies.

the heart knows
what the mind
cannot yet see.



Saturday, June 28, 2014

Shakti

I am my own mother.
I am my own father.
I am my own friend.
I am my own lover.
I move
through
all of creation,
in a joyous dance
of Shakti.

I nourish you
at my breasts.
Even now.
I give you myself,
all of my love.
Again.
And yet again.
There is no
'last drop' left
in a bosom
that holds,
sustains, and
gives life
to the entire cosmos.
Shakti.


I walk through you,
with you,
on every path you take.
I hold your hand.
I carry you
on my swaying hips.
And I will carry you
on my shoulders
on your final journey.
Your dance is my dance.
Your step is my step.
Your breath is my breath.
Shakti.

I have breathed
the fire
of a thousand suns
into your breath.
The fire of love
and passion.
Eternal.
Quietly powerful.
Warmth and Light,
that give life
to weary hearts.
Your breath,
your words,
carry impulses
of creation,
spinning
and resting
in the ether
that binds
all of life
to Me.
Shakti.

I step lightly
and heavily
sometimes,
on the ground
that holds
your restless feet.
Flowers, soft sand
and green velvet.
Sometimes.
Thorns, embers and
a slushy swamp.
Sometimes.
Don't fret.
All is well. Always.
For I am with you.
I am the ground
that you kiss
with your dancing feet.
I am the dancer.
I am the choreographer.
I am the dance.
Shakti.


I hold you close
in my arms,
when you choose
to come home
after a tiring day out -
tired of being yourself,
tired of being caught
in power games;
when tears bathe
your naked eyes
that speak of
feeling unloved
and loneliness,
I make love to you.
like no other,
as you take off
your masks,
your cloches,
one by one,
to bare yourself,
just the way you are,
to Me.
Shakti.

I am the diva
on this exquisite stage.
Where life and love
play their parts.
Your scars
and wounds
are many.
Don't hide them.
Flaunt them
as embellishments
to your soul.
For they speak
of  those times
when I opened
and touched you
with my ruthless love.
You may not have
a flawless sheath,
but you have
my flawless heart,
that knows
only one thing -
how to love.
Ruthless.
Fiery love.
Shakti.

So rest.
Step.
Dance.
Love.
Feel your power.
Become your power.
Shakti.











On Desire

When we hear the word 'desire', we usually think of 'kama' - the intense longing for a person, a thing, or a result. Most often than not, when we think of desire, we think of love, friendship, intimacy, sex, money, fame, success, etc. We also have been conditioned to look at 'desire' as something that needs to be given up or controlled, to evolve spiritually.

But desire is the root of all action that makes us human. Even in our spiritual growth, there is a seeking, a desire to get somewhere, somehow....what we call evolution. So then how can we give up desires? When it is the wheel that keeps us moving and changing? When it is the flame that keeps us alive and in the hunt?

I believe that true evolution happens only when you HOLD your desire without going out of your way to seek an end or a fulfillment, or without looking to repress it or wishing it away. It is about 'surrendering' to your desire and life. It is about holding it inside you like a sacred flame, shielding it from the things that would put it out, and from the things that would fan it so that it exhausts or burns itself out. It is about the middle path. It is not about giving up or giving in. It is about living and being with it. So hold it, burn with it slowly, let it burn you slowly... sit with the pain of not being able to seek fulfillment, sit with the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it, surrender to the fire of desire, be consumed by it....there is nothing more one can really do.

For when you choose to do something, you are becoming a victim of desire. You either want to be in denial. Or you want to take charge and control your life by going all out to fulfill your desire. Embrace it and walk with it, holding it like a dear friend, who is there with you every step of the way. That is the way. The only way home, is what I feel.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Solitude

a lonely mountain
has no place
she can go,
no way
to move around,
no one
to call her own;
her eyes
upon the valley,
growing,
glowing
in her folds,
her heart
in the gushing river
dancing and
wandering forth;
her strength
lies in her
stillness,
being herself,
and alone;
waiting
for her friends -
the pilgrims,
the clouds,
the mist, and
the song birds.

Flavours of Love

a heart burns up
with the orange sky,
strings tug inside
when a dear friend cries,
eyes awash with notes
which engulf the very core,
words swallowed in silence -
they choose to speak no more,
a koel's call explodes
into the quiet of a dreamy morn,
the melting voice of a loved one
wraps me in chocolatey warmth,
the tiny green sprouts
peek out from the brown loam,
the guttural laughter of my son
being completely himself, at home,
the anchored emptiness
of being with a burning flame,
the sound of water flowing
slowly, through a decrepit drain;
all flavours of love.
limitless. free.
why hold on to only one,
when there are so many to feel?
why look for hidden reasons
when there are different flavours,
for different seasons?







Let Your Cup Overflow....

love flows
like warm tea
you pour
into a cup,
with a self-forgetting.
let it overflow -
and not be
confined
by the narrow rims
of your mind;

let it be received
with joy
and reverence,
in an empty saucer,
that feels
the warmth
of the tea
in its silent,
pensive
waiting.

there is
a sweetness
and magic
in self-forgetting;
when you lose
yourself,
is when
and where
you find
yourself.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Chained

a pound of flesh
weighed down
by chains of old;
a heart that wants
to break free
from the deathly cold.

a free spirit
held captive
in a gilded cage,
a fragile bubble
tethered, to behold
a rainbow in pain?

chains
that connect,
often bind;
how can love
be chained
when it wants to fly?




Shraddha

breathe
walk
talk
think
work
feel
live
with love.
with humility.
with reverence.
with faith.
with purpose.

like the little bird
who trusts
the swaying tree
enough,
to build its nest
just there,
time and again,
through rain and sun.

Shraddha -
being
an embodiment
of love.
life's purpose
is
love fulfilled,
through surrender.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

White Noise and Wisdom

on the road
to nowhere -
fear.
loneliness.
uncertainty.
my fickle companions,
until I decide
to enjoy the drive.
I turn on the radio
to tune into
some good music;
white noise
jars my ears,
until I tune into
the bandwidth
of my dreams;
music is
what wisdom is
to the soul -
I know what I know,
when I can tune in.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Expression

Fragrance
cannot be hidden
for long.
The wind
gives it wings
to fly.

Love and Light
flow out through
the tiniest crack
in the hardest shell.
Presence and fragrance
make the rose a rose.

Like the pianist
becomes the music,
and the stars
become the light,
fragrance becomes the rose,
as words become the heart.

Fragrant words
are the song
of a dancing heart,
that cannot help
sing its love-song
out to the world.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Notes To Myself - 5

True leaders are those who do not impose themselves on anyone, who do not sustain their power by creating a division between themselves and their "followers", who are not victims of their own need for power and control, rather they are the ones who are happy to give their power away, and listen to what the others really and truly need.


**********************************


I am finding a certain peace that comes with listening to my body.....perhaps I will feel that I am listening completely to my body only when I can get out of ALL routines bound by time.
I am learning to listen to my body and to stop walking or cycling when I start feeling tired physically or mentally. I am learning to decide when to push it a little more and whether I really want to, and why. I am trying not to stop and look at the time when I am walking or cycling. I am discovering that on some days I can go on for half an hour or more, and on other days, only for 10-15 minutes. I am learning to feel okay about that. I am learning to not get wound up when I cannot meet a goal that I had unconsciously set up for myself. It is a good feeling to get away from the mind and into the body....to go with the flow....it is so much easier. 


**********************************

When I seem to be caught time and again between what I want to share with others and why and what responses I get, I try and look within.

Sometimes, there are needs that have to be met, that I knowingly seek outside. When those needs are met, I feel happy and satiated. If not, I feel sad or hurt and sometimes even angry or irritated. Both are great learning experiences for me though. Both are wonderful places to be, as there is always some deep learning that happens.

For me, it is the intent that holds the key. When I am completely open to owning my own feelings, I am open to the others' feelings...and however that makes me feel, I am open to stay with that. But when I expect only a certain kind of response to what I am sharing, and close my heart to some of my own feelings, I find myself building a wall inside quite unconsciously, that keeps people away, or hesitant or wondering or wary. And that is not such a nice place to be for me, when I often yearn to seek connection.

What I find working for me now, is to simply ask for what I want - to just put it out there. Or, to share what I want to, and being okay with every kind of response, as an offering to me. This is a much better place to be for me, as the connection is kept open from my side - the connection to my own self and the others.


**********************************

 'A paradox is not a conflict within reality. It is a conflict between
reality and your feeling of what reality should be like.''
- Richard Feynman

Every paradox holds a gift waiting to be opened.



***********************************

 Sharing my joy today with vulnerability...after wallowing in the doldrums yesterday...that makes THIS all the more sweet...

Met a family with a young girl in 6th Grade, at the organic store I go to every Saturday. I was surprised when the mother started our conversation with a quick 'hi',as if she already knew me, and then went on to say that she had watched the Youtube video where I had shared my journey about homeschooling my son, and also the one where R had shared what he felt about homeschooling, and how that had touched her deeply...she said she was convinced then that homeschooling was the way for her family...and also said that she was following my blog, and that that had given her a lot of strength and answers to questions that she often asked herself...how she had feared earlier that her daughter would get addicted to TV and other media, and how she is less worried about all that now...

It was also heart-wrenching to listen to her story....how her daughter developed bone cancer in her hand when she was barely five years old, how she survived all that, had a prosthesis inserted in that hand, and how she now really wanted her to pursue her interests instead of wasting her time in school...I realised how Life constantly gets us back on our feet....whenever we think we have the greatest problems on the earth, someone comes by who seems to have even greater problems....this has been my constant learning from my life experiences...

I am quietly happy today, with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart.....this gives me more inspiration to write with all my heart...


********************************


Letting go is beautiful...much like the wispy dreams that you hold in your heart and set free into the heart of the Universe....memories may come back to haunt you again some other time, some other day....and in that coming back, you will also remember the sweetness of how you chose to let go....

On Power and Hierarchies

We are so used to hierarchies and the power flow in those hierarchical structures and systems we create. Hierarchies are so deeply ingrained in our bodies that they even seem to define the way we THINK about mundane things, and so, very often we don't even listen deeply.

This whole system of hierarchy operates on victim-hood and fear. One feels superior to the other because of his lust for power and his fear that he will not be needed or will go out of business. The other feels scared to own his own power and assert himself, and therefore continues to attract people who reinforce that fear. Both are victims of hierarchy.

What is needed today I think, is for us to get out of systems that reinforce this hierarchy and deep-rooted fear and infuse them with love. Love is the only life-force that can transform. Unconditional love emerges when one has embraced one's own shadows and pain, by surrendering to life. When you are constantly seeking a balm for your pain, or a tool for "self-improvement", or trying to "fill up" a void, and you become that balm, that tool or that container, you are actually creating a divide and running away from life and love. You are falling into the trap of hierarchy and fear and unconsciously perpetuating it.

The key I feel lies in the intent, in each of us. It is important for each of us to think about our own fears, our neediness, and our own attitude towards life. If we think that we have walked through life fearlessly and courageously, and have therefore worked out what life is about, and can now "teach" others or "help" others, we will continue to walk the edge of this endless power game and struggle. We need to dig deeper, and get away from this superficiality.

If we have faced our utter helplessness, been gripped with and shivered wieth our earth-shattering fear, drowned in our neediness, and most importantly, BECOME all of that, by staying with them for as long as it takes, instead of wishing them away or rushing for relief.....and continue to look at life with wonder and joy, we would have embraced our life and our pain, and would therefore be a living guide....an equal, in this journey of life.

It is only when you can see/feel your own essence and the essence of your own pain, that you can see/feel the essence of another and the essence of his/her pain. And the way to finding your true essence is to step into your deepest, darkest fears and your shadows that you keep away from the world...tear yourself open to bare that and stay with that.

When we find our own essence, we find true love, and that is the way to transform ourselves and the world.

On Integrity

Integrity is the ability to be whole, complete, and your true self at all times. When you live with integrity, you don't feel the need to justify anything to anybody. It is about having the courage to hold your own space. It is about following your heart and judging from your heart space, not mind space. It is about being compassionate to yourself and the others and trusting the way Life works.

Everything in nature lives and exists with integrity. No one questions the existence of the rafflesia flower that smells of rotting flesh, or the sudden eruption of a dormant volcano, or the tree that sheds all its leaves, or the polar bear that hibernates for months on end, or a bird that makes its home by usurping another nest. That is just the way they are. Complete. Whole. True to their nature. All beautiful in their own way. The rafflesia does not dream of being or becoming a rose.

Living with integrity means to have your own yardstick for what you want to do with your life and how you want to live it. To do what you love, giving your whole self to it. To do it with love. To do it with passion. Whether you are a terrorist, a thief, a teacher or a saint. Get in touch with yourself. Be yourself. Why want to be anyone else, when everyone else is taken?

Power

the sea is calm
after overnight rain,
black and white sunrise -
where are the colours
of joy and pain
to proclaim?

waves rise, to
get swallowed
by the ocean -
unruffled.

stardust
settles in and
courses through
intricate veins;

distant supernovas
blow their conch
in the silent spaces
between cells;

waves rise again;
only to lose
their colour
and power,
to the reign
within.

when I own
my power,
I can give it away
to rest
in the quiet strength
of having nothing to do.


Friday, June 20, 2014

Desires

Desires
rise and fall -
boundless waves
seeking
an elusive shore;

Dropping
like  pennies
into a slot
for safe-keeping.

Collect. Remember.
Cherish. Own.

Desires
drive us
on our journey
within.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Many Faces of Love

What we see and experience as different emotions or states of being- like fear, anger, guilt, sadness, hurt, joy, peace etc. are like the different petals of a flower....each beautiful, unique and an integral part of the whole flower....each petal is connected to the other at the centre, and that is what makes the flower complete....and yet each is a unique expression of love....

Love is not separate from these feelings...it is there - flowing, hidden, quiet, with all of these......and when we see each emotion or state like that, then what is inside, as the flower unfolds in this lifetime, is the source - Pure Love.

So when there is a conflict, love is still flowing. But the flow is different...like two sets of ripples moving out in two different directions ....the flow is different where they meet/merge...and yet there is flow.

Love is connection. When we feel love, we feel connected. When we seek love, we seek connection. Sometimes we seek it outside, and sometimes we seek it within. But the intent is the same - to feel connected with our own true self, our essence. When we feel connected in this way, we feel valued for who we are.

Anger, guilt, sadness etc. are all a deep yearning to express our true essence, which is love. It is a yearning to seek connection (without and within), as we do not know a better way of doing that. They are all states of disconnection, when love is not flowing in its pure, natural, free-flowing state. All are expressions that seek to change the status quo. When each has been expressed fully, they make room for love to return to its free-flowing state. All the other states/emotions can always be replaced and reversed by love, which is the source.



The Undercurrent

like a great white shark
roams deep waters,
searching,
seeking satiation,
sadness
lurks beneath
the deathly calm -
the undercurrent
that revisits
my bosom
time and again.

Composting, Black Gold and Soul-Food

This morning I was sieving the compost after a long time. It was hard work, especially in the summer heat. Beads of sweat poured down my face and body, and soon I was drenched in my own sweat. The sea breeze slowly set in. Soon, I found the sweat drying up. My clothes started to dry out as well. And after feeling like I was inside a furnace, I suddenly started feeling like I was in water.....so cool! The breeze was heavenly and was like balm to my tired, sweaty skin.

Some things in life are just meant to be left alone, the way they are meant to be. Life takes care of the rest and you, if you are prepared to dive into Life and surrender to the flow and rhythm.

The compost needs sieving as not all the kitchen waste decomposes at the same rate. So there are larger pieces that take longer to decompose. When I sieve the compost, the fine "tea-dust" like material, that is ready, passes through the sieve and onto the tarpaulin spread below. The larger chunks that need more time to decompose, get left behind in the sieve. I store that in a bag to use as an accelerator - I add a little bit of this already decomposing stuff to my new kitchen waste, to accelerate the process of decomposition. And so the cycle continues. The sieved compost is rich in nutrients for plants and is called Black Gold.

Composting is much like what we do in Life. We assimilate stuff (good, positive memories and energies) that we need, and use that soul-food to nourish our bodies and souls.... and what we don't need, or think we don't need (the not-so-sweet memories, pain, hurt and negative energies) is cast away in some corner of our brain as waste....something that we don't want, something that we want to put away. What we don't realise though is that it is the so-called waste that, over a period of time, with repeated turning over (remembering) and aeration (sharing or expressing) and sunlight (warmth and tender loving care), decomposes and breaks down to what we call Black Gold. It is what we put away that comes back to us to nourish us, once we decide that it is useful and leave it to the ways of nature and Life.

This Black Gold is our gift to ourselves and Mother Earth. It is our soul food. So the next time we want to purge all our negative thoughts, our pain and our hurt - all the darkness inside, let's remember to stow them away carefully and leave them to compost in the kambha of life. For they will nourish us some day, some time. What is harder to compost is what needs more care, attention and time. So put it back into your Life, for it to work on and speed up the formation of  the next lot of Black Gold!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Driftwood

washed across
to new shores
from old homes,
where do I belong?

I carry with me
a lightness
that comes with
riding the waves
of Life.

parts of me
devoured
by the vagaries
of time,
to infuse life
into other forms.

a piece of driftwood.
on a lonely sea.

what's left now
in a dead tree?
lessons in living,
and being free.
inspiration
for an eye
that sees life
even in death.

Grace

when you've walked
through Fire,
bewitched by love -
a love for all of life;
when you've warmed
your broken heart
as you sat close to Her,
blisters on weary feet,
charred dreams in forlorn eyes;
when you've given
your whole self up
to the glowing embers -
now just memories
of a singeing past;
when you've walked
with yourself
every step of the way, even
when you felt you wouldn't last;
Grace - she comes to you slowly,
showering you with her love,
for when you're really broken,
you come to know and feel,
how you're always held in love.



The Mirage

the raging sun
burns on
inside,
outside,
taut skin,
singed,
curls up
like parchment;
something's got to give.
blurry eyes
dance
on the horizon
that never arrives,
the eternal mirage
of a seeker
in desert sands;
the sun rages on
to keep him alive
inside.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bridge

words linger
in the deathly hollow -
unborn children
of a hopeful tomorrow,
they drop down
a bottomless chute,
dying as they fall, and
rest into silence.
you cannot come
with me
to those forgotten places
where I walk alone;
you cannot hold
my trembling hand;
the bridge
can only take
the weight of one -
the bridge that hangs
over a growing gorge -
between mind and heart;
a bridge that I have to build
and walk alone.



Monday, June 16, 2014

Simplicity

A simple
white jasmine.
No frills.
No favour.
She leans out
to see
the restless sea
in the distance;
She feels
the burning longing
of the cracked earth;
She hears
her dying friend's wail
closing in on her;
And yet
she can do nothing.
Nothing.
Simplicity
lies in doing nothing.
Nothing
but being oneself.
A colourless rainbow.
An empty canvas.
A fragrance that lingers
in silent spaces of togetherness.
Presence
is enough.
Simply enough.

Friday, June 13, 2014

What I want today....

Today, I am tired.
Tired of being the seeker.
Tired of wanting to know.
Tired of making patterns and trying to understand what may lie in store.

Today I want to simply be. Be an ordinary human.

I want to cry like a baby, while being held by a loved one.
I want to feel what it is to be held by someone who does not shush or ask me to stop crying....
Who does not wonder why....
Who just holds me in his/her arms, where I can empty my tears and sleep in the warm wetness of being held with love.

I want to feel anger and hate and pain and delve into the nerve-wrecking uncertainty of living life every moment. I want to feel them rise and fall again, one more time. I want to hold them with love, for they are a part of me.

I want to look at the scars and remember my old wounds....I want to feel them smarting like they used to....I want to feel the pain of leaving them untended and feel the relief in leaving them open and raw, so that they live out their life as I live out mine.

I want to feel my body tingle with joy and wonder like a child who has just discovered something precious - a shell on the beach, a rounded pebble, a spotted leaf or the answer to a question he has been asking himself. I want to know what it feels like to invite Joy and give him my most treasured chair in the living room. I have shut the door on him too often and for too long, while peeping out through the gap in the window, to see if he was still lingering around.

I want to know what it is to love like an ordinary human being. I want to possess and feel possessed.
I want to feel the pain of being in love. I want to feel the pain of letting go. I want to feel the sting of rejection. I want to risk everything, myself and all that I have. I want to fly on the wings of love and into the open sky, with a queasy feeling in my gut.

I want to get into my body, into my every cell and sinew. 
I want to feel with my heart and my whole being. I want to watch and feel it sink, flutter and fly.
I want to let loose.
I want to cry with my eyes and let my heart bleed.
I want to just be, without knowing why.
I want to live life.
I want to be real.
I want to feel alive.


Resurrection

the prodigal moth
relentlessly circles
the burning flame -
a whirling dervish
drunk on love
sinks
into oblivion;
singed wings
hold the truth
to resurrection.


Thursday, June 12, 2014

In Hiding

In hiding,
I grow
and stay alive.

like a white rose
melts into the kosher snow,
like a drop of rain
slips into the ocean floor,
like an unborn baby
is held in his mother's womb,
like a dead leaf crumbles
to rest in its earthy tomb,
like the playful wind
slides between rustling trees,
like sweet nectar's held in
tight buds who open to bees,
like the majestic sky
lifts her veil to the night,
like the sky lark waits
to sing her song to the light;

I hide,
so that
in that hiding,
I can rest
into myself -
to grow,
to emerge,
with my gift
to this world.


In hiding,
I find my space
to grow,
and the
self-watered power
to love
and stay alive.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Song of Your Heart

listen
to the song
of your little heart -
you know
the words,
you know
the tune;
slip into
that well of
silence,
and from
its depths,
listen
to your voice,
as it rises up
and explodes
into
the night sky,
like a million stars
that hold up
a silent love song,
just waiting
to be born...

Of Nameless Things

sometimes,
when you close
your eyes,
and feel
a fullness
deep inside,
is when
you realise,
how empty
you actually were.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Come Home!

Come home -
the door
is always open,
even when it seems closed.
Can you see
a little fence around,
and a path that leads up
to the door?

Come home
to the sacred space,
where a bleeding heart
lives and thrives;
that finds most joy
when it can give,
no holding back,
and nothing to hide.

Come home
through the little fence,
that makes this heart
a loving home;
cross over it
if you please,
if you can live in and love,
a bleeding home.

For you'll have to
take off your shoes,
and walk barefoot
through the door,
you'll have to lay
your clothes upon the grass,
and bare yourself
to your core;

There's no other way
you can come in, my friend,
when you cross the fence,
and walk in through the door;
when our hearts are tender,
and wide, wide open,
even fences become
open doors.

Come home!





Monday, June 9, 2014

The Silent Warrior

like the ripe old leaf
awaits her fall,
even as she twirls
with the wind
on a blind date;

like the obscure spider
creates her fragile art -
a labour of love,
as she waits to make
a tryst with destiny;

when you rest
in the peace
of deep knowing
that there is nothing
that you ought to do;

when you find love
in everything you do
and do not do;
a silent warrior is born,
to fight, with love.




Sunday, June 8, 2014

Life and Death

the song
of the violin
cuts through me,
a saw slowly fells
a forgotten tree
in an ancient forest;
warm blood oozes
from the bleeding heart,
of a soul
who's forgotten
how to cry
with her eyes;
death comes slowly
sometimes,
to those
who are learning
how to live
again.



Drawing

use your mind to draw
a spectacular sunset,
a warm face,
a giving tree,
a stoic mountain,
a gushing river, or
a choppy sea.

use your mind to draw
invisible lines, but
don't colour them in;
feel them
unfold and grow
in you,
as you colour them in
with your heart.





Distance

in the space
between
these words
and my heart,

in the distance
between
my song
and your ears,

in the ether
between
you
and me,

a connection
is born, where
Life and Love flow,
now and beyond.



























But You are not Here.....

everyday,
I gaze into the ocean
as it calls out to me,
and I wish you were here
to hold my hand,
stepping out together
into the haunting stillness;
but you are not here.

everyday,
I close my eyes
as the wind bellows to me,
and I wish you were here
to rest my head
on your chest
as we sing our song together;
but you are not here.

everyday,
I  close my eyes
as the river reeds wave out to me,
and I wish you were here
so you and I
could hold each other close,
moving through a slow dance;
but you are not here.

everyday I wish
I could make you feel,
Life flowing through us,
never to return?
oh, how I wish to call out to you,
and not wait for you
to live your life,
while giving up my own...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Let Go!

like the wispy dreams 
rooted in my heart,
now set free
into the heart
of the Universe,
let go, let go...

and when they' gone,
floating by,
they will come back
to haunt you again,
some other day,
some other time....

and in that coming back,
you will invite them in,
and also remember
the sweetness then,
of how you chose
to let go....



Friday, June 6, 2014

Notes to Myself - 4

Children 'embody' the present completely. That is why they are so free.
Their 'presence', by becoming the 'present moment', is a constant reminder for us to get back into ourselves and become the body that we own for the moment.
We need to 'embody' the child in us to get a taste of what it is to be truly free.



**************************************


Sometimes you feel you don't know if people are listening.
Sometimes you feel people are acting as if they are listening.
Sometimes you feel people are only listening to what they want to listen to.
Sometimes you know that people are just not interested in listening.
And sometimes, once in a while, you find someone who truly listens to you, just the way you want them to.
We are all needy in one way or the other.
I wonder if it is possible to be human and not needy, because I feel that it is being in the neediness that makes us human....
I wonder if it is the understanding of our own neediness that makes us open to be able to understand the neediness of another and truly "listen"



************************************

"Each soul is free to choose their reality in
every circumstance, all of the time.
Believe in your own wholeness and you will
choose freedom and peace.
Believe in your own lack and you
will choose neediness and fear."
 
I like what this quote says about how we can choose our own reality....the path I feel is to get more and more aware...and perhaps many problems or conflicts arise only when we try to make others see ONE reality, which is ours, which they can never see, unless they are aware of and understand their own essence AND ours...and maybe the way to that is through the heart, bypassing everything else?



Thursday, June 5, 2014

Everything is Waiting for Me

I watch the world go by
from the tiny crack in the wall -
the only space I have
to peep out,
to see the world
and the Light.

a tiny sliver
of green, just born -
trapped in the now,
this is where I belong;
stark grey walls
keep me company,

while I hold on
to myself -
who I am, and
who I can be,
if only I was born
somewhere in the wild,

I would grow
into a peepal tree -
dance with the sun,
soak in the rain,
talk to the wind,
even one last time,

before I crumble
to rest in the stillness
of a dew-drenched green.
Everything is waiting for me.




Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Hospital Stories 1

Yesterday, I happened to read something on Jeff Foster's page -  a story of a home carer. And I was reminded of a time in my life, about eight years ago, when I was in a similar situation, with my father. As I read every word that he had shared, my eyes welled up. I felt a great wave of emotion rise inside and crash against the insides of my body. It was as if every cell was asking me to speak and break the silent wall that held so much within. So here I am as I tear open myself and make room for that wave to find another shore to crash on....to set it free into the ever expanding folds of the cosmos...

It was July 2006, and Raghav, had just turned one, when my father got seriously ill and was rushed to the hospital. When we admitted him, all he was complaining of was breathlessness. I still remember that day vividly. My mother and their driver took him in their car, and on the way, they stopped by at my place to say bye. I couldn't do much with a baby who was demanding and wouldn't stay with my in-laws, or for that matter, anyone else except me. Actually, none of us thought there was something seriously wrong with my father....until they reached the hospital. My father then slipped into unconsciousness and was admitted into the ICCU with septicemia and multiple organ failure. We were all shocked beyond words and feelings. I rushed to the hospital with baby and his paraphernalia in tow- toys to keep him busy, his very own potty (he would not go anywhere else), some snacks and fruits (thank God I was still breast-feeding him and did not have to take his food too) and his clothes and cloth diapers (he would not use any other, even in emergency). That was to be our home for the next three months or so. Every morning, we would be there and stay until late at night, when my husband would come and pick us up, only to do a one hour drive back home. Every single day. Day after day.

My father slipped in and out of consciousness, got better and came out of the ICU twice, only to get back in there again, after an intestinal haemorrhage and other serious problems in his spine. He almost died a few times. I remember how when I went into the ICU one day to see him, he was talking to himself loudly. He was in a small isolated room inside the ICU. I listened to him scared and confused. To us, it seemed like he was hallucinating, but to him it was real. He spoke in a loud, gutteral voice, quite unlike his usual self. He was giving a speech of sorts to someone. I held his hand and just listened till he finished, and then, without a word, came away. I really thought I was losing him. It was much later, when he was back home, that he was able to recollect that near-death experience and tell us what he had felt and experienced. He told us how he had seen a beautiful field of flowers and grass and how he was talking to God. I realised then how easy it was for us as spectators to make assumptions and pass judgements on what we were seeing with our eyes, and not our hearts.

When he was in the ICU, one night, I remember we all stayed there, as he was very critical. My mother waited outside the ICU, her face pale and still, her hands tightly clasped in prayer. She was stoic. My husband was with her, while I was with Raghav in the room, sobbing and praying. The doctors had come out to tell my mother that they had to put my father on the ventilator. She didn't want that. Nor did he I think. For when the doctors tried to put him on the ventilator, he started breathing on his own again! Everyone at the hospital felt that it was a miracle that he had survived all that. Well, he recovered from his illness and many setbacks, after a few months in hospital. Raghav around him everyday at the hospital, playing with him or just simply being there, was enough to revive his spirit and get him onto the road to recovery. 

He was completely bed-ridden though, when he came back home, after three months at the hospital. He could barely move himself. He could not sit up. He could not speak much and for long. He was exhausted and his spirit seemed crushed. For the first time, I saw my father break down. He could not imagine himself lying like a vegetable in bed, unable to do very much. He had to use a urine bottle and a bed pan to ease himself. He had to be sponged down every day. He had to be lifted up physically every time he slid down the bed, or had to eat or drink something. He had to be fed every single meal. 

He could not accept that he had to be dependent on someone physically. He could not see himself like that. He refused to have a nurse. He was angry and devastated at the same time. But he managed to get himself back up from that rat hole. We could not have done that for him. Only he could have, and he did. All that we did was to shower him with unconditional love.

I remember how my mother took care of him through all that, and with love and devotion. Not once did she flinch. And when she had done her bit and left for work, I took over from her. Every single day, Raghav and I would go to be with him through the day. I cannot imagine how I coped with a man who needed to be mothered and completely taken care of, and a demanding baby who needed me at an instant. But we managed. There was so much that I learned about myself and my limits. When I felt stretched, Life seemed to want me to stretch some more, every single time!

I too, like the man in the story, found myself washing faeces off an old man’s bottom and testicles, with cotton wool dipped in warm water. And every single time, I told myself that I had to do it with love. Because that was the only way I could and wanted to do it. That was the only way he would start loving himself again. Soon, he got out of his feeling useless and helpless. I could see it in his body language. His body was no longer taut and writhing with embarrassment or shame of being cleaned by his daughter. He came back to the now. There was no self-pity.  He had somehow found a way to deeply accept what Life had doled out to him once again. 

It took a long time and a lot of energy to hoist him up, clean him and change his sheet each time he eased himself. I needed help to hoist him up, and had to call our house help's husband each time. I remember how all this got to him at some point and he yelled back at me and my father once saying, " What do you think? Am I here to do all this for you?" Those words hit me like a bullet, tearing through my skin and leaving a gaping hole somewhere inside. I was angry and pained. But I also understood how he must feel. My father was miserable and sobbed. But we managed to move on. 

After that day, I somehow mustered up strength to hoist my father up on my own. I don't know where that strength came from. 

But I am grateful to Life for having shown me how there is always a way to make space within and without for more. Just a little more. Always.


Notes to Myself - 3

Lakshman Rekha

What does living on the edge mean to me?
It means living at the edge of my comfort zone...my lakshman rekha.
My comfort zone is the little bubble that I create for myself.....the little space that feels safe....where I can retreat to when I feel the slightest unease or discomfort with something or someone.
But this is not a permanently defined space.....it is ever-expanding and ever-changing....
As I draw my own lakshman rekha, I define my comfort zone for myself, now.
My lakshman rekha is defined by my beliefs, my openness of heart and my own life experiences.
Each time the beliefs I hold on to dissolve and fade, and my heart becomes more open to giving and receiving, and I connect the dots in my ever-evolving life, I draw myself a new lakshman rekha.
Only to wipe this one away....and draw another one.....and another....





 ****************************************

Love seeks its own level

Love seeks its own level. Just like water.
It does not depend on the shape or size of the container that holds it.
It will fill up anything that holds the space for it.
Love flows when there is an open connection at both ends.
When there is instability in either of the containers, but the connections are open, readjustments and changes will occur naturally so that equilibrium is maintained.


*****************************************


Respecting the essence

When I understand and respect my own essence, I set myself free.
When I understand and respect the essence of another, I set that person free.
Connection is about understanding and respecting the essence of our own self and the other.
When you connect with someone, you love him/her in a way that makes him/her feel free.




Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Love Flows...

the sky breaks itself open
to let the sun take the stage,
and stitches itself up at night,
with the moon, stars and Swan Lake;
a tree spreads its arms wide,
just for me to rest in its shade;
a river flows along merrily
so I can dip my feet in to play;
my heart is in the sky -
at dawn and at night;
my heart is in the tree,
and in the river that flows by;
why dam the flow then,
of a love that brims over?
why hold back the wave
that seeks a quiet shore?