Connecting the dots and healing

"...Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life....."

These words of Steve Jobs in his well-known Commencement address, came back to my mind today as I went through two overwhelming moments - one after the other and looked back on some of the most heart-wrenching moments of my life. It was amazing that both these events happened in unison today and that was perhaps the message for me......to connect the dots and heal.

Some days ago, I had been browsing one of the online forums of the homeschooling community here, and I stumbled upon a comment made by someone, who was involved with the World Breastfeeding Conference in some way. After my recent blog post on food and unschooling, I have been thinking a lot about how I had breastfed my son. This comment drew my attention, and I sent her an email with a general query. This morning I got a reply from her with an attachment to her blog post on her experiences with her daughter. I had tears in my eyes when I read that and re-lived every moment of the weaning process that I had experienced with my son. It was very painful.

Here is an excerpt from another blog post that I did earlier on Food and Unschooling, where I share the pain of the weaning process:

I breast-fed Raghav till he was almost 1 year and six months. That was the only time perhaps that I listened completely to my baby for his nourishment needs. My gynaecologist told me not to feed on demand after a few days and asked me to get him into a schedule even for breast feeding. But I did not listen, because somehow I felt that that was not right. I could not bear to think of my baby crying in hunger or thirst and deny it the only nourishment it could get then. So I followed my heart and my instinct. Raghav’s pediatrician however encouraged me and insisted that I breastfeed him as long as possible. I did until it was “time” to wean him off. People around me suggested a number of ways to do that, none of which sounded right to me – from disappearing for a few days so that he would “forget”, to being firm with him and saying no, to giving him a special cup filled with cow’s milk every time he asked to be breast-fed and many other ways.
 

That period was very stressful for me, as in my heart I could do none of those, and I did not know any better. I tried many things and none worked. Finally, I just let him cry his heart out in front of me one day, held him close to me, and patiently suggested alternatives. He would not take any alternative and chose to remain hungry. This happened for three days! At the end of it, he stopped asking to be breast-fed and refused to drink any other form of milk! I should have realised then what my son was made of – he was made of an indomitable spirit and strong will that no one else could break. 
As I write this today, even after all these years, my eyes well up and my insides churn as I relive those heart-wrenching moments that made me into a demon of sorts…..moments of despair when I thought myself unfit to be a mother. Today, however, I am ready to share my story here, because I have forgiven myself for what I did in ignorance. I would love to find out and hear other parents’ stories of how they weaned their children -  if they just gradually moved on to other foods without any effort to wean – things that I did not know and no one guided me about.

Ever since I wrote that blog post on food, these thoughts have been on my mind.....somewhere....as I had a question that I had somehow never bothered to ask anyone.....and somehow did not seek an answer too. But now, here was an opportunity to get an answer, and I kind of knew what the answer would be :) Ironically, I did not listen to my intuition and follow my heart on this one earlier!

This is what I wrote to my friend in my email asking her about breastfeeding:

I have had a very painful experience with weaning off my son when he was 1 1/2 years old. Somehow I never felt right about doing that. Then, I did not have the conviction to listen to my own inner voice and listened to the elders and everyone around me.

Just wanted to ask if anyone that you know of has done it gradually or in a different , more pleasant and peaceful way with their children. Though late now, I would like to learn a better way of doing that and perhaps suggest to people I meet the rest of my life. Will children not learn on their own, just like everything else in life, that they need to eat other kinds of food, and do it when they are ready - automatically, instead of us pushing them? That is my question.

She replied to me with a "YES!"Of course!"and sent me a link to her blog post on this. I was deeply moved and stirred when I read what she had written about her experiences with her child. I cried like a baby as I read her words and relived all those heart-breaking moments that I had had with my child. And through that I healed.

It was healing because I finally found the answer to a question I had never asked until now, in the words "She had moved on when she was ready"......a question that was part of a larger quest....of being and learning what we need to in this world as human beings.....a question that was simmering inside me for a long time and finally found satiation.....I healed because I understood that what I had done in the past with my own child, was in complete ignorance...and that I was being too harsh on myself by feeling guilty about it......I healed when I revisited those precious moments of breast-feeding my son through my memories, thoughts and feelings.

A few hours later, I stumbled upon another totally "unrelated" post by another friend on the same forum. It was about Dignity and she was sharing it from another e-group discussion. I could feel the pain that the author shared through her writing, and as she recounted the moments after the birth of her son, her lack of knowledge about birthing options, how her son showed her the way, how she got back her dignity and how she nurtured her son's dignity as her purpose in life, I remembered how I went through similar emotions too when my son was born. And how I have been healing my dignity too, like she says, when I protect and nurture his. All along, until now, my son too has been SCREAMING to me to wake up and see the world through his eyes. I perhaps see it that way more now, than I did earlier.

These two events in quick succession in one day, were SCREAMING to me too.....to connect the dots and heal! I realised how my son too had screamed to me loud and clear, even when he was a baby, to be mindful. He would cry and kick and make loud sounds if  I talked to anyone or did anything else, while breast-feeding him.  He also disliked being fed in public and in a place with lots of people - he would calm down and feed properly only when it was quiet and when he and I were alone. There were so many lessons there on living!

My son also dislikes being "taught"anything in his life, and like she says, this quote of John Holt has been my compass too:

"Next to the right to life itself, the most fundamental of all human rights is the right to control our own minds and thoughts. That means, the right to decide for ourselves how we will explore the world around us, think about our own and other persons' experiences, and find and make the meaning of our own lives. Whoever takes that right away from us, as the educators do, attacks the very center of our being and does us a most profound and lasting injury. He tells us, in effect, that we cannot be trusted even to think, that for all our lives we must depend on others to tell us the meaning of our world and our lives, and that any meaning we may make for ourselves, out of our own experience, has no value." ~ John Holt

Today, I understand the way he sees the world a little better...and try and see it with his eyes as much as possible....this unschooling way of life has made me trust that the dots will connect in the future....it has allowed me to live in the moment, while connecting the dots backwards....to walk on a path of self-guided, free learning as collaborators and heal our past wounds - TOGETHER.

The Miracle of Mindfulness

Last night I was reading "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay), just before going to bed. One para stood out of the page literally "talking" to me! It has stayed in my mind ever since and echoes something deep that I have often felt for a long time, but have been unable to express as beautifully as it has been done in these words from the book.

The words that I am quoting are from a part of a conversation that Thay has with his friend who was visiting him with his seven year old son. This friend of his has two kids, one much younger than the one he had brought. In the two hours that Thay spent with them, he found that their conversations were constantly interrupted by the seven year old, who demanded undivided attention.Thay tried hard to keep him occupied with books and other things, but the little one just tossed them aside. Later, when they did get to find a little time to chat and Thay asks his friend how easy family life was for him, his friend answers with a smile:

"I've discovered a new way to have a lot more time. In the past, I used to look at my time as if it were divided into several parts. One part I reserved for Joey, another part was for Sue, another part to help with Ana, another part for household work. The time left over I considered my own. I could read, write, do research, go for walks.

But now I try not to divide time into parts anymore. I consider my time with Joey and Sue as my own time. When I help Joey with his homework, I try to find ways of seeing his time as my own time. I go through the lesson with him, sharing his presence and finding ways to be interested in what we do during that time. The time for him becomes my own time. The same with Sue. The remarkable thing is that now I have unlimited time for myself!"
 
And this was something that he had discovered for himself in his own daily life - not something that he had learned from reading Thay's books.

I found that this is true for me too, for I have often felt this way as I live my life with my family. Many of my well-meaning friends and relatives urged me to do something to meet and take care of my own needs, which were often looked at as separate from the fabric of my life.....'take time off for yourself - it is important....you do have a life beyond your child...." was the usual refrain. Somehow, those words didn't ring a bell for me; they didn't inspire me to find and make the time for myself. However, very often I found myself swayed by these words and other conversations that I have been witness to or a part of in my life. I often found myself  caught in a conflict and churning within....not knowing what to do. So I went back and forth - desperately trying to make that time for myself, talking to my son and my husband.....

Until it all fell into place so magically  one day - the day I drew my son. While I shared the end-product with everyone around me, as I could not believe the magic that happened that day, I could not find the words to share the process. The happiness that I felt when I heard what my friends had to say when they saw the end-product was in no way comparable to the sheer joy and magic that I felt in those moments, when I was truly mindful with my son.

My son was building the Lego Taj Mahal for the third time in a little more than a year. He would ask me to find and collect the blocks he needed for each step, and I would oblige. After a while, when it got too repetitive for me, and I told him that I would find something else to do there while he built, he suggested that I draw him, just as I had done on our recent holiday. As he was constantly moving around and I could not get down to drawing him, he immediately suggested that I draw him from a photograph of his. So that was how it all started and ended. But what went on in between?

It had been more than twenty five years since I had attempted sketching seriously! - the last serious attempt was when we learned art from a master who used to come home to teach my sister and me, when we were in school. After that, I lost touch and interest with art, except for a few occasional attempts at dabbling in sketching for a newsletter and so on. But that day, when I sat sketching him, my fingers seemed to have magic in them.....they could not stop, and did not want to....and everything just flowed like water - there was not even one place where they got stuck....I felt an inexplicable sense of peace, joy and a deep deep connection, as I made that sketch of my son. I felt every single part of him come alive as I drew them. And that to me was the miracle of mindfulness - I had suddenly found a glimpse of that again - the lesson that I have learned from my son time and again.

"Mindfulness is the miracle by which we master and restore ourselves."

As I drew you....

As I drew you...

I touched

your bushy hair,

as it gave way
and bounced back.

As I drew you...

I touched

your soft cheeks,

like chocolate

still warm with laughter.

As I drew you...

I touched

every fold in your face,

as you smiled

with abandon and simple joy.

As I drew you...

I touched

the sparkle in your eyes,

as they swelled

with a love for life itself.

As I drew you...

I touched

your crystal voice,

as it echoed

deep in my heart and soul.

As I drew you.....

I touched

your spirit unbound...

as it stoked me

and set me a free.

Man Vs. Man

Man kills Man
in war -
to make peace.
in anger -
to be happy.
in revenge -
to teach a lesson.
in fear -
to be brave.
in hatred -
to feel loved.
in jealousy -
to own.
in survival -
to exist.
in justice -
to become God.
But when will Man know
that every Man
who walks this earth
is Love?
Will he be Man enough
to learn
to just love?

Breaking free

For the first time perhaps in all these years, we as a family honoured our needs and ourselves and broke free from feelings of guilt and fear of breaking free from tradition....to celebrate ourselves and our precious moments together as a family.

It was Diwali - perhaps the King of all festivals in India - a time to be with family and friends;  a time to share and give; a time to ring in the new and shed the old....a festival of light, love and joy.

Although our families are quite open in many things, including our decision to homeschool our child, these traditions of celebrating festivals together have been held sacrosanct; so much so that we have grown up with the fear of being disapproved and feeling of guilt of not discharging one's "duty" even, if we did not celebrate it together with the usual fanfare. All along we have succumbed to these feelings of guilt and fear and our inabilities to handle ourselves when others said things that hurt us.....and in the bargain, we have not asserted ourselves nor honoured our needs. For the first time this time, we actually broke free from these chains that we bound ourselves with...and celebrated and honoured ourselves, without feeling guilt. And wow, was it liberating!

It all started with Raghav wanting to be away from the noise during Diwali. He dislikes the firecrackers and so do I! The noise and smells unnerve us both. So we decided to go away to a quiet place where we could do our own thing. Our families were not too happy with our decision, but we did not give them a choice this time to control our lives. The difference this time, however, was the intention......our intention was not to defy them and tradition.......our intention was to be with ourselves and do what each of us enjoyed and felt happy about.....and that made a huge difference to how we felt and how they reacted too! Yes there were those questions as to whether we wore new clothes (!!), comments as to how we could get away from firecrackers in India, whether we woke up early on Diwali and so on....it is really funny how people try to control you and your life when you live in India, but forget everything when you live away in some other country - when they know that they have no way of controlling from here!

So yes, we did set ourselves free and did things that we wanted to and enjoyed- we caught up on sleep, or a book, listened to music, had our own Diwali show of music and dance in our room (Raghav's idea!), made our own holiday monkey platters, built with Lego, spent time together laughing and playing or just being, enjoyed walks and drives through the beautiful landscape, wrote poetry, sketched, dabbled in photography, ate heartily or just simply lazed around! Yes - we did celebrate the spirit of Diwali in our own way - we broke free from old thoughts and fears once again....giving way to new thoughts of being with ourselves and each other....celebrating our own light and love.....giving ourselves gifts that we had not done before.


Once again, I discovered parts of myself that were long forgotten and had gathered dust....I remembered the photo that I had taken there of some tiny plants that grew from crevices between rocks......and realised the power and the beauty of truly breaking free.....the true self cannot be chained for long....it has to break free someday, because it just has to be!

My sketch of my husband

My sketch of Raghav

Munnar

Munnar

Tall trees of silver

Pierced the evening sky,

Green checkered hills

Slowly rolling by;

Fiery poinsettia

Kissed by the sun,

Butterflies in a tango

Beckoning beyond;

A waft of fresh, green leaves

Round every other bend,

Heady smell of tea leaves

Sublime and potent.

The cool air tingled,

Stirring hearts and souls,

Winding roads, hovering mist,

Beauty to behold!

(12th November 2012)

Rain and Love

Rain and Love

A cotton wool canopy

pregnant with rain;

shimmering silver waters

in a distant lake.

A thin veil of mist

hanging low;

the valley blushing -

a new bride aglow.

A silent rendezvous -

the earth and sky,

in a tight embrace;

no room to sigh!

A sudden cloudburst

drenches hills below

Giving birth anew -

to rain and love.

(11th November, 2012)

Letting go

Sometime ago, I listened to a spiritual master through a Youtube link that someone had sent me. A story from the Puranas (I think) that he shared touched me deeply and has been coming to me often and repeatedly, every time a fear of letting go grips me. Letting go has been the biggest challenge for me and it still is.......but it has become easier once I started doing it.

The story he shared was about a parrot and goes something like this:
There was a parrot who was caught by a man and trained....he carried it on a stick. But the parrot, although it was a bird by nature and could fly away anytime, could not......because it had forgotten how to fly! It was scared....and every time it felt fear, it gripped the stick more tightly instead of letting go.....the process of just letting go of the stick (here we could liken the stick to our ego, conditioning or anything else that we hold on to dearly) would have given the bird the freedom it so badly wanted. Why should it hold on to something so dearly when it knew deep inside that it could fly away wherever it wanted and whenever it wanted to? Why did it not let go?

Let go......let go......this is what echoes in my mind and heart these days......and like the parrot, I do find it hard to let go of some things.......but that is the ONLY way out for me! I know that....I want that....and I am trying to do that with everything in my life.....trying to break free and find myself.

Letting go.....

If only I could let go....

of love

of fear

of anger

of everything 

that I think is ME

I know I would find myself.....

the light

the shadow

the mirror

the abyss

and set my soul free......

Being in the eye of the storm

Everywhere today in the news, all that I could hear was talk about the monster storm Sandy that was on its way......visuals of the waves lashing the shores....swirling winds in the satellite images....talk about how massive the hurricane was and what to expect or not expect.

As I watched all this, I could not help but think of what the Universe was trying to tell us through all this. Was it to stop running around like crazy after mundane things....pause....reflect....on what was most important? Was it to pin us down and let us know in a way that we will never forget - that there is nothing that is beyond the power of the earth? Or was it to show us the way to find peace......to look within....deep within....be centred and calm just as the eye of the storm is....amidst all that turmoil and swirling winds around us in this world and our life?

We did make calls to some of our family who live in the areas that are in the path of the hurricane. It was surprising and yet comforting to hear their reactions to our worried voices. From ignorance to indifference to nonchalance to surprise....I did not hear one voice that echoed a surrender......to the power of the universe. Or maybe it was there....but veiled by fear and insecurity. Well, but who am I to say that or even think that? Have I surrendered to my inner self and the Universe? Perhaps a little, but not completely.....perhaps in some things, but not all. And yet, I know in my heart and soul that surrender has to be complete. No questions. No answers. No thought. No feeling. Just being....and Inter-being. That is the way to surrender I believe.

Empathy - another way of being

This unschooling journey with my son has opened up so many possibilities for me too......things that I had never thought of......things that had never before inspired me enough to question or do something about.....But I can feel the change within and without. I am no longer the person I was two years ago when we started this journey. The unfolding of the self has been both profound and beautiful. I am grateful for this gift that I have received - the gift of mindfulness, celebrating every moment and constantly being in touch with one's true self. I am still understanding and learning about this precious gift. Everyday.

Yesterday was Ayudha Puja - the day we celebrate the gifts that Goddess Saraswathi has given us and thank her for them. We did the usual puja that we do at home for books, things we use, musical instruments, the vehicles we have and so on. There were some young banana trees that our driver had bought and left in our balcony for the puja for the car. They suddenly caught my attention as I was hanging out the clothes to dry. Until that moment I had not even thought about them. Suddenly, I was engulfed with a deep sadness. My eyes welled with tears as I saw them. My heart sank and I had goosebumps.

The last time I had felt this way was on our trip to Sikkim a few months ago (that is another post), when the beauty of everything around me overwhelmed me so much. I was crying as I saw the breathtaking waterfalls, streams, majestic mountains and the tall trees that surrounded me. Tears of bliss if one could call it that. To me, that was a moment of enlightenment. I could "feel"with nature.....not as a tourist would.....but as a nature-lover and seeker would I guess.

And today, when I saw those young banana trees I felt the same way, but with a tinge of sadness. I was sad that someone had cut them down just to use them for a five minute puja. Each of those, if they had been left alone, would have grown into big mature trees, bearing fruit. I could "feel"their pain. But someone had cut them and now by buying them, we were privy to that too. I was shaken and heartbroken.

Could we not do without these trivial rituals? Why do we need pumpkins and trees as good omens and to ward off evil eyes? That could have been food for some hungry soul. And to think that for a good part of all these years, I had not even bothered to question all these things! I was shocked at myself. But I resolved to stop and think even about these mundane things, by being true to myself and my real nature. I realised that I had only recently started living and discovering another way of being - with my son leading the way.

From dust to dust

I was sieving my compost last week and I love doing that - simply because the earthy smell and the whole idea of giving back to nature inspires and heals me immensely. That day, the simple routine activity of sieving gave me a great insight into Life.

While I was sieving the compost, I was thinking of all the things that had gone into making that lot of compost - all kinds of vegetable and fruit waste - bittergourd, tomato, green chilly, capsicum, potato skins, banana flower, carrot heads, apple cores, banana peels, papaya peels etc. There was also some left over rice, bread with fungus, leftover biscuits, and other kitchen waste. Every one of these had its own identity and added its own flavour. And yet, what was left behind after they had decomposed was the same earth. There was nothing in the compost that you could identify as a vegetable or fruit or rotten / stale food. They were all actually the same. One was not more beautiful than the other. One was not more important than the other. One was not more tasty than the other. They all came from the same earth and went back to the same earth where they belonged. So then, what do we human beings rave and rant about all our lives? What do we compete with each other for? What do we think WE own or create in our lives? After all, haven't we come from the same components as everything else in this planet? And isn't that where we go back? Every one of us?

Life Unfolding

I try and watch myself everyday as I do, think and say things.....and it is amazing and beautiful to see how a little part of my true self unfolds every day. It is much like a game of  "passing the parcel" - when every layer that is opened reveals something else inside - a message for the Self - sometimes surprising, sometimes funny, sometimes embarassing, sometimes incomprehensible......when you get the message and do what Life is asking you to do, you move on.......only to open up another layer to reveal something else within.....and the game goes on......until you have removed every layer that is hiding your True Self......which is your surprise gift! I am loving the game and waiting for the surprise gift......Life is beautiful!

I see....

I see
I see the flames of anger
Simmering deep within
I see the tears of pain
Drenching the fire within
I see the smirk of nonchalance
Words spoken but in parlance
I see the eyes flitting about
Trepidity or seeking balance?
I see a hand raised forward
An embrace or a distance?
I see the body taut
The struggle to be what it is not
I see
and yet I don't see
The love that it holds within.

Kolams in my mind

I quite recently started to make this a ritual and a morning routine for myself - drawing kolams -  it was nothing to do with any religious beliefs.......but because one day while I was doing it, it suddenly dawned on me that I was thinking differently. From that day onwards, I have always watched myself and my thoughts while drawing kolams. Sometimes I find myself being very creative and thinking of drawing very different kolams outside our front door. Those days, I also find that I tend to think in different ways about everything that happens. There are some days, when my creative juices just don't flow and I resort to drawing the same old patterns from my memory. And those days I find myself creating the same old patterns of thought in my mind, for different issues that come up during the day. There are other days when the basic pattern might be the same from an old memory of a kolam drawn; but I would perhaps give it a little tweak - a little something different - my own touch. To my surprise, I find that my thought process too goes through a little tweaking! So now, every morning, when I get those few minutes to myself to draw the kolam outside our front door, I see it as a reflection of my mental state. A state of being and thinking.

Masks

Masks

Long, short

Small, big

Scary, friendly

Look within. Not without.

Do we need them?

Do we own them?

In the light of Truth

They fall listless

Exposed. Shattered.

Moulting

A letting go.

Living and dying.

A revival.  A Reunion.

Of Truth and Beauty.