We all have our own unique relationship with money. It is an integral part of the circle and web of life today. It connects, it binds, it enrages, it enthralls, it enslaves, and engulfs us in a swamp that we somehow feel we cannot get out of. Money has become like oxygen now - a necessity to live, and often to live well.
My relationship with money has been bitter-sweet. While I have personally not faced any hardship as a result of money, I have grown up with stories of my near and dear ones suffering while not having enough. And so I grew up with questions that plagued me into adulthood and beyond -
"What is money?"
"Why is it so important?"
"Can we not live without it?"
"Do we have to work to get money?"
"What is enough?"
"Why is there corruption?"
"Is the source of money important?"
"Why this disparity in the world?"
"Can we have a one-size-fits-all approach to money?", and many more.
These are not questions that I directed to someone who I expected would dole out an answer, but are questions that I asked myself as I journeyed deeper and deeper into myself.
And somehow I feel now that the answer will come to us only when we embark on that journey into ourselves, and not when we look at it only as an issue to be 'solved' through community action and engagement. It is something that each of us has to think about, sit with and grapple with, just as we do with many of our other fears, beliefs and conditioning. It is a journey into our deepest fears that we each have to undertake alone, with no one there to hold our hand.
I see money as energy - just like any other energy such as sex, desire, emotions etc., it cannot be destroyed and done away with. It can only be channelized and transformed and used intelligently, with the heart leading the way. That has been my learning from life.
The story of my relationship with money starts with my father and his story of his relationship with money, as it usually is with the stories of all other important things in life :) My father was born in a small town in Tamil Nadu, where his father owned a lot of land. My grandfather trusted a close relative with his business, who ended up mismanaging it, and as a result he had to declare insolvency. Their land and house was auctioned, but some of it was bought back by an uncle and given back to my grandfather. A spontaneous act of compassion orchestrated by the universe!
They had lost a lot, but still had enough money to live well. They moved to the village. My grandmother often used the barter system to get vegetables and greens, in exchange
for measures of rice. Later, they moved out of the village and into the city. All was okay until my grandfather passed away. The family had to then depend on my father's elder brother, who became the sole bread-winner. Life became a little tough for them then. My father had to discontinue his education as a result of a severe illness and financial constraints, and take up a job without getting a degree. And yet, they embraced it all with equanimity, living within their means.
Money will be here today and gone tomorrow. How easily can we live with that reality every day of our lives? Can we begin to love its going away? Or do we brush it off saying that it could happen only to another and not to us? Can we still get on with life without drowning into the abyss of despair and a terror of what could happen?
When my father was in his early twenties, his brother passed away, leaving behind his young wife and five very young children. It was my father's turn now to shoulder the responsibility of bringing up the children, making ends meet and making sure they got a good education, just as he had promised his dying brother. That was perhaps the toughest phase of his life, when they did not even have enough food to eat everyday. Friends would leave small bags of rice for them to manage everyday. He had no degree to fall back on and get a cushy job. He learned the hard way and explored a few jobs for a few hundred rupees. His love for books finally landed him with a job with Imprint Magazine, where he was in charge of circulation. He worked for many years, sending almost all the money he earned, back home to take care of and feed the family. There were many times when he lived on just a small packet of peanuts and water, so that the family had enough to eat and send the children to school. There were times when he had to resort to cooking up bills for his petrol and food allowances, just so that they had enough. There was no other way out that he could think of then, to get that little extra to make ends meet. Today, when he speaks to me about this, he is not ashamed of what he had to do. He has embraced his darkness. Completely. He sees it now as a necessary evil that helped him transcend another's suffering. For they were his children and he could not bear to see them suffer.
So then, it all boils down to choice doesn't it? - what we choose to do, with what intent we choose to do it and whether we choose from a space of fear, or love.
Is money a necessary evil then? Is it an important piece of the puzzle in the circle of life, here to help us transcend our fears and to evolve into a more loving and peaceful community in the future? Is it here to shake us up from our slumber and wake us up to ourselves and each other and to hold compassion in our hearts for each other?
Later, after he got married, my father moved to Chennai, leaving his much sought after job at Reader's Digest Mumbai, and started his own printing business. My mother and he used to work really hard and long hours, putting their heart and soul into their work. And so yes, while my sister and I always had enough of everything, and the best of everything, we did not have much time with them as we were growing up. We also did not have any desires for toys, games, clothes, jewellery, going out, buying other stuff and so on. We were content with what we had. Perhaps that contentment came from having enough of what we really needed. But, it left a hole that is still there inside. A hole that perhaps cannot be filled in this lifetime. A hole that was made while in pursuit of making a living. A hole that made me look constantly for love outside of myself. And yet it is something that I am grateful for today, because from that hole has emerged an untiring energy and passion in me, to be there for my son for as long as he needs me.
So what is the role of money in our lives? Is it there like a stepping stone on this unknown path, leading us towards our own darkness and light? How can we use it to transform ourselves?
When I had just finished college, my parents had to close down their printing business as they were into a huge loss. They then did some small business of exporting wooden toys and other things, which also did not take off. Soon, my mother started working for a company full time. My cousins started sending them some money to help them meet their expenses. My father stopped working to earn a living. He started devoting all his time and energy to public work - his true love. He became a consumer activist by chance and by choice. After some years, my mother stopped working too. They were quite happy to be 'dependent' on my cousins and later on my sister too, for money to meet their expenses. My cousins put in money to build a house for them on the small plot of land they owned. Both of them started devoting all their time to building up the consumer movement. Today they have everything they need. They were and still are being taken care of in a myriad ways, by Life, through friends and family.
For a long time, I felt the need to find work to "earn" and contribute. I felt that it was not right to depend on someone else for money. I felt that I had to be the 'son' of the family and shoulder more responsibility. But that was not to be. I could not see myself 'working' in that sense. And my depression changed the course of my life. After a year of sitting at home, I finally found a job that I loved and where I could use my creativity. My first salary was a sum of Rs. 1500/- as a special educator, working her ass off :) It was at par with what the drivers of our school bus were getting at that time :) When I quit about ten odd years later, it was about 5000Rs. But I never had a problem with that. My only expense was on transport, which that covered easily. I finally had a bank account, a passbook and starting saving paltry amounts. But I was very happy. I was happy to be dependent on my parents and then my husband, and happy to be independent in some ways. I still remember how fulfilled I felt when I bought a gift of silver, for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary with my own salary. My parents never forced me to find a paying job or look for anything else. They gave me the space and the freedom to follow my heart, and I am very grateful to them for that.
Does money make us truly independent? Can we be truly independent? Do we need to be independent at all? Does the need or desire to be independent stem out of a fear? Or does money make us see the nature of things as they are - the interconnectedness, the interdependence and the miracle of all of life? Is money teaching us an important lesson that we are failing to see - that as we give, we receive; that how we give decides how we receive?
Then came my wedding. My parents and in-laws wanted a traditional one with fanfare, while we pushed for a simple registered marriage. They did not relent and we finally gave in, although we tempered it down to a simple, temple wedding with just one ceremony. My parents did not have the money to spend for my wedding, and yet they did not want to give up on some things. They were also not very happy with my choice of the person, as he was not earning too much then. One of my aunts happily offered to give a generous sum of money towards our wedding expenses, without wanting it back. Both families shared the rest of the expenses, and the wedding happened. And I came to learn that Life always holds you, even when you feel you are not being held.
Having more or less money is part of the reality that is in front of us today. Why are we then trying to fight it and change it? Is that what is needed today? Or should we change the lens through which we are seeing this reality? Do we need to do away with the river or change and adjust the flow, but let it flow because that is its nature and it has to?
Unlike most other brides, I ran around for everything for my wedding myself. I did my own mehendi, I drew out all the kolams/rangolis for the ceremony, I helped organise the food and other things, I drove up and down carrying stuff to and fro, bought vessels and stuff for my house with my own saved up money of about 5000 odd rupees, while we got everything else for the house as gifts from friends and family. We didn't have to buy a single thing for our house to start off with. And I cannot put into words how grateful I am to all those wonderful people - friends and family, who brought us so many gifts with love.
My relationship with money grew deeper, with more understanding through my dear husband. It is amazing how we draw in the energies that we really need to grow, into our lives. His relationship with money was in many ways similar to my father's and yet in many ways very different.
He grew up in a huge joint family that split up because of money and property issues. His father who led quite a protected life until then, had to suddenly find a way to stand on his own feet with no support from his family. My husband grew up with enough, but unlike me, he had many desires while growing up - of buying different things, for which his father never gave him the money. He tried his hand at business, but failed. He borrowed money from his father to run a newspaper agency, which he had to return with great difficulty. He then started working for someone, but changed quite a few jobs and often. Most people in the family labelled him irresponsible. But he never quit. He never gave up on himself. He always rose from the fire with renewed vigor and positivity. For more than a month in between, he was out of a job, until a friend asked him to join and help out in his leather garments unit. We somehow survived that phase, despite not having any savings. He changed jobs every few years, but always managed to love whatever job he was doing. He did not go looking for a job that he knew or loved. He took everything that came his way with complete trust in life and himself. And life has taken care of us pretty well.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them –
that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow
naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao-Tzu
We have never discussed money too much, nor made a budget for our expenses. This irked me to no end for many years, and I used to argue and fight with my husband over it. It was a very sore point in our relationship. I felt I needed to know about it all, about money and how it flowed in and out. I felt he had to tell me more about the insurance policies (our only savings now), how to plan our expenditure, what we owed etc. But I also was aware of the mental block and disability of sorts that I had with numbers and handling accounts. And yet, I would not let go. Until I realised that it was the fear of not being in control and of not knowing, that was driving me nuts about this whole thing. That fear was rooted in the fear of death - what would happen if my husband died? how would I cope when I did not know anything? This was my greatest fear; it terrorized me and ate me up. Over time however, as I sat with it, saw it deeply and embraced it, this fear just went away on its own. I stopped stressing about money. I started to trust in life.
We still don't talk about money or sit down and plan or discuss expenses. He gets a salary, we pay our bills for the month, spend what we usually spend for the house, and still hardly save anything. Over the last many months, his salary has been delayed by over a month. But we have still been managing every month, without much 'cushion money'. We don't splurge often, but we also do not control the flow of money as much. We just flow with life as it comes. We ride the waves, taking the rise and the fall in our stride.We still do not have a house of our own, no other form of investment or asset, and don't hope or desire to own one too. It has never been a priority, nor a thought that carved our path. We live in the now as best as we can. We still use our credit cards occasionally; we still buy things that Raghav wants (mostly only Lego,which has also reduced drastically of late); we buy gifts for each other, family and friends, without batting an eyelid about the costs; we have pledged some of our jewellery (which mostly came as gifts for Raghav) with a bank, to tide over a rough patch we had a year ago, and yet we have two cars, an almost antique bike, and a truckload of books that we cannot stop adding to. We still go on holidays when we want to and can. We enjoy life!
We have enough, maybe more than enough. We also don't have many things that most people at this stage of their lives would have and feel secure about, but we do have many other things. We don't have any 'cushion' money that would help us do something else that we would really love to do. We don't have anything to give as security in order to work on some dreams that we have. But we still trust life and her ways. We know that she will give us what we need and take care of our needs in whatever way is best for us.
We don't let money come in the way of enjoying life. Many would
perhaps look at it as irresponsibility or callousness. But it is not
that. It is about living life as it is unfolding for us, with an implicit trust in the unfolding process, and without looking to the end.
I am still lost in today's world of complicated transactions with money. I belong to the old school of earn money, put it in the bank, use as much as you need within that, save the rest and rest in peace! I do not understand the world and language of credit cards, insurance policies and mutual funds and the likes. And I am happy to not know now and be 'illiterate'. I will learn if and when I have to. At the moment, my husband takes care of it all, and I am quite happy to be taken care of :) I can write a cheque, do some online transactions, and pay some bills. That's about it. The rest is not my cup of tea. And to realise that I spent years fighting over a cup of tea that wasn't mine in the first place :)
This trust in life and in the energy of money is what I have imbibed from my father and husband. They always give spontaneously, without thinking about themselves or how much they have. If they made a blunder with money or anything else, they would just take it in their stride and move on.
Some years ago, we had planned to go to Sikkim for a holiday. We had paid a huge advance for our North Sikkim trip to a tour operator there, but due to some urgent work that came up for my husband, we could not go that year. After a long time, we managed to get hold of that person and asked him to refund our money. He said that he couldn't do that, but would hold it for us and asked us to plan and come the following year. My husband took his word. But the following year witnessed a huge earthquake and landslide and we could not go. We thought we had lost all that money and wrote it off. The next year however, the trip happened. We called up the tour operator after two years, and he remembered us! He even worked out that trip for us with no extra cost, and still held our money for us after all those years! It was quite unbelievable.
With no expectations and no fear of the unknown or the known, the possibilities are endless.
"To live is to be slowly born.”
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I have learned to give freely from my husband. While he gives of himself through giving away material stuff, I give of myself through my love. He will tip people generously, never bargain, give almost anything that anyone asks of him; he will hand over a 1000 rupee note without batting an eyelid to someone in need, or as a birthday gift for the kid of the man who helps clean our car; he would leave money in the car when we had a driver to use to pay toll fees, trusting him implicitly, and that trust was never broken. For him, money has not been a goal or an end; rather it is the conduit through which we can make things happen. I feel now that as long as we have this attitude towards money, we will never get stuck with it or in it, and will give it only the importance that is required.
Trust in life - an implicit trust, brimming over from the heart, is what we need to go or flow along with the energy of money.
The need of the hour is a quiet revolution that begins with each of us and our rethinking our relationship with money....a surrender to the flow of life, to trust that as we give, we will receive (even if it is money that we are giving), and to give wholeheartedly every time we give, for giving anything is directing the flow of energy. We give money power over us and our lives, only when we hold on to it. When we give it away without fear, but with love and compassion, we redeem our own power. Money need not stop you from thinking about what you can give, how you can make another person smile, or how we can nourish and support each other. Money does not stop you. Your mind is what confines you.
The way out of this quagmire however, is not by freeing or controlling the mind. It is about working with the heart. You can free yourself from the clutches of money only when you move into the heart space, from the mind space. The solution lies in sitting with and embracing our fears associated with money and its power over us. How does that feel inside? What happens to you when you are under its influence? Why is it that you cannot get away from it nor live with it? Why are you desperate to change the status quo?
A way out or in, is to be able to see the same landscape with new eyes, instead of seeking new landscapes, just because you feel this landscape does not serve you anymore.
The way out is to talk more and more about money and our fears related to it. I have often seen people hesitating to ask someone (or even answer someone) how much they earn, spend or save. The hesitation stems from a deep-rooted fear. Why are we uncomfortable to talk about money? Have we sat with that question long enough? Perhaps it is only when we can talk about money like we talk about education or politics or the environment, that we will find the root of our fear. Perhaps only then will we break free from its tantalizing grip over our minds, our lives and our world.
You cannot overpower it by discussing and thinking of localised solutions, or by rethinking economy and alternative cultures or systems, in closed groups, conferences and unconferences, until every person out there has identified and faced his/her own fears related to money head on, looked at them in the eye and been hurled around for a while in the clutches of its terrorising power. Perhaps our freedom from its overwhelming grip over our lives, lies in the very binding, the enraging, the enthralling, the enslaving, and the engulfing that the power of money swamps us in.
Man … sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then
he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious
about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being
that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is
never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived.
– Dalai Lama
So work or don't work. Make money or live on gifts. But don't hesitate or fear to give both away or to lose both. When you give, give with your whole heart, with no strings attached. And don't hesitate to enjoy it while it lasts, without wanting to hold on to that enjoyment. NOW is what we have!
The way I see it, money is yet another door that life presents to us - whether we fear it,
hate it, love it, keep it shut or choose to open it and look beyond, is
up to each one of us. So is this door, a door to your prison or a door to your freedom? Well, it depends entirely on how you look at it.
