What I want today....

Today, I am tired.
Tired of being the seeker.
Tired of wanting to know.
Tired of making patterns and trying to understand what may lie in store.

Today I want to simply be. Be an ordinary human.

I want to cry like a baby, while being held by a loved one.
I want to feel what it is to be held by someone who does not shush or ask me to stop crying....
Who does not wonder why....
Who just holds me in his/her arms, where I can empty my tears and sleep in the warm wetness of being held with love.

I want to feel anger and hate and pain and delve into the nerve-wrecking uncertainty of living life every moment. I want to feel them rise and fall again, one more time. I want to hold them with love, for they are a part of me.

I want to look at the scars and remember my old wounds....I want to feel them smarting like they used to....I want to feel the pain of leaving them untended and feel the relief in leaving them open and raw, so that they live out their life as I live out mine.

I want to feel my body tingle with joy and wonder like a child who has just discovered something precious - a shell on the beach, a rounded pebble, a spotted leaf or the answer to a question he has been asking himself. I want to know what it feels like to invite Joy and give him my most treasured chair in the living room. I have shut the door on him too often and for too long, while peeping out through the gap in the window, to see if he was still lingering around.

I want to know what it is to love like an ordinary human being. I want to possess and feel possessed.
I want to feel the pain of being in love. I want to feel the pain of letting go. I want to feel the sting of rejection. I want to risk everything, myself and all that I have. I want to fly on the wings of love and into the open sky, with a queasy feeling in my gut.

I want to get into my body, into my every cell and sinew. 
I want to feel with my heart and my whole being. I want to watch and feel it sink, flutter and fly.
I want to let loose.
I want to cry with my eyes and let my heart bleed.
I want to just be, without knowing why.
I want to live life.
I want to be real.
I want to feel alive.