Something makes me want to write this post....maybe it is for myself, and maybe it will also open up something for someone else. But I know I want to write this one. To share myself vulnerably yet again. Yeah, it's been a long time....and it's perhaps about time now to get writing again. So bear with me if you think this is too trite or silly, because this means a lot to me.
Well, it's only recently that I started saying or rather became aware of saying 'yes' to life....being more spontaneous in opening up myself to Life and what it had to offer me. Today, I can say with a little more confidence and a spring in my step, that I understand the value and joy in simply opening up to Life more and more. And by opening up to Life I don't mean going after my desires, or seeking only joy or fulfillment in a moment that is not there now...what it means to me is to simply welcome anything that comes up in my Life, without wishing it away.
About three weeks ago, I was at rock bottom low a couple of times.....yes, I felt completely worthless, unloved, used and down in the dumps. The trigger was something from outside that brought back some old painful memories.There was a lot of pain and grief that I realised I had never given vent to before, and had perhaps moved on from prematurely. Perhaps that was why it was coming up again. This time however, I allowed myself to feel it completely, without wishing it away. I opened myself up to what was flowing into my life at that point. I let the pain soak in and sting me as it needed to. I let the extreme hatred that I felt for myself and others fill up my every pore. I cried, I hurt, I bled inside, without wanting to suppress any of that. I felt waves of anger rise inside - anger for being treated like an outcast and a nobody by Life. I remembered how I had always identified with one of the songs we learned at school (Nobody's Child) which was how I felt for a long time about myself. And that feeling came back more strongly than ever. It was a deeply painful, challenging, yet most fulfilling journey within. For it was when I almost drowned that I realised how much I actually wanted to survive. I realised how I was waiting for others to see my worth and love me, and waiting for Life to say 'Yes' to me, instead of seeing my own worth and saying 'yes' to Life.
That was a huge turning point for me. There was a huge shift within....a swell of self-love, like I had never experienced before. It was like a breath of fresh air after being dunked in murky water up to the point of drowning. I could finally lift my head up with my chest puffed out and breathe free, look to the sky and into the blazing sun with my eyes open and say 'yes, I want to live and live the way I want to.' I felt like a bird who had just discovered that it had wings.... wings that would help me fly to worlds I had never experienced or dreamed of exploring before.
It was funny and strange how when I said 'yes' to Life, Life seemed to start saying 'yes' to me. Suddenly I saw the same people who I thought didn't value me, show their care and an understanding of my skills and contributions. Suddenly the way I saw these issues changed almost overnight; and I felt ready to be 'used' by Life to be of service to the larger community, for that was what I wanted to do anyways. Feeling 'used' didn't matter to me so much any more, because I started seeing it in a completely new way:
When you realise that you are but an instrument of the Universe, to be 'used' for the sole purpose of adding something to the larger whole, all your ideas of being 'used', 'misused' or rotting in 'disuse' are composted into something beautiful......your whole life becomes a sacred offering of devotion to the Universe.
And then came this casual chatty statement from my friend - "Come off ya!", when we were chatting on Facebook one day, about her going to volunteer at a Tibetan Village Children's School in Dharamsala. She was making a trip all the way from the U.S. for two weeks, just to volunteer there for the refugee children's winter break, as they had no 'home' to go away to. I have often felt that one of my greatest failings is that I take people and their words too seriously, and suffered because of that, because I often discovered later that most people do not really mean what they say. This time too as I usually do :), I took her seriously and started thinking more about her asking me to come. The only difference this time was that I was already in the groove of saying 'yes' to Life, and so there were no excuses and reasons I was coming up with to weigh against that desire to go. And it paid to take her words seriously, for a change!
I started doing some serious research about going - at first I planned to go alone, but my two loves seemed too keen to come too, and so we made plans to go together. And everything seemed to flow smoothly from then on. I could feel myself flowing effortlessly with life, and life opening up spaces where I thought there would be walls that stifled the flow.
My friend's words - "We live only once ya! Just come!..." tripped me wide awake. Yes, that was what Life was trying to tell me! I suddenly heard that loud and clear, and the way I saw everything turned on its head. And I could see how all the things that I thought were stumbling blocks, were actually stepping stones showing me the way. Life was talking to me and I was listening to her. You will see that perhaps, as you read on...
My son shared with me on his own, how he was okay for me to go alone too as he knew how much I needed that time with myself and my friends. He also said that if we went together, he would still give me that space to do what I wanted to, when I wanted to. His saying this and understanding this after all these years of my patient waiting and many a sacrifice of sorts, meant so much to me. He is my world and was showing me yet again what a beautiful world I have.
My husband as usual with his completely different take on money, made me see yet again for the nth time, that money is energy and that it has to flow. While I was worried as to how we would find and spend so much money on travel now (money that we didn't really have ready and stashed away in the bank), he made me see how we had so far always got whatever we needed without any struggle, and that we should have faith that Life would take care of us. And so we went, using some that we had and some that we used on credit, trusting that Life would show us the way and help us find a way to repay that. We spent a lot of money on this trip, just for us to go. But we also let it flow on effortlessly in the things we bought as gifts for others, in the generous tips we gave to people, using it to contribute to the local culture and economy in our own small ways. That is how we see money as energy that needs to flow without getting stuck. And I must say that I am enjoying living like this more and more.
There is a sense of freedom of living free (in a manner of speaking) from the clutches of money , that is liberating in the moment. While I know that to the rest of the world this could seem like total irresponsibility, arrogance even and madness, as a person who is involved and a part of this whole experience with money in this way, I can only say how responsible, humble and free I feel to look at money in this way now. To the world it could seem like we are actually getting further enmeshed into the debt culture, digging our own graves in the quagmire from which there is no escape. But then what is freedom really? True freedom is in the moment isn't it? And about freeing the mind to re-imagine and rethink what we believe is our reality now? And everything feels different when you know deep down and feel it in your bones that Life is speaking to you and showing you the way. What happens to you and around you then becomes a part of the conversation that you are having with Life.
Yes, we live as much in the moment as we can. And that is also a way of saying 'yes' to Life, because you are then completely present with it as it is unfolding now to you and for you. To say 'yes' to Life is to have implicit trust in it and the way it works....and like a dear friend shared, when there is so much trust, there is no real need for courage. Courage just happens without any effort. Trust is the light and courage is the shadow of that light that we see. And my truest mirror is Life. I know when I am on the right track; for she gives me a nod - clear and loud, just like she did this time, and just like she has done in the past, countless times. Sometimes I wonder if I really need anyone else to show me the way or tell me how or where I am going wrong. To speak with Life is to look beyond the people who carry the messages that she sends ...it is to look straight into the white of her eye knowing how much she loves you and how she is giving you just what you need now.
So this trip was in many ways a huge learning for me on how to say 'Yes' to Life. It was a dream trip, because it is the first one in the 44 years that I have been on this planet, where I have gone to spend time with friends, without any other work or agenda, other than simply being. It was the first time also that a friend thought of calling me like this, and the first time I felt an urge to say 'yes' spontaneously. It was a dream trip because every person on that trip had dreams and most of them came true - from seeing the Taj Mahal, which we thought would not happen because Obama was visiting Agra around the same time (and then he cancelled at the last moment and we got to go!), to seeing snow and catching hail, to walk as it snowed, long walks with friends into serendipity, some simple all-girls' fun, watching the sunrise and sunset over the grand Himalayas, feeling the chills of stark winter, treks on mountain trails and much more.....What louder message could Life give to me than that, to tell me that I was on the right track?
And you know what? Up until then, I didn't think I deserved any of this. I felt like an outcast and that life was serving me left-overs. Until I began to see that what I saw as left-overs was all the food that I really needed. I didn't need a feast. But of course as a broken human, I was always asking for more, like poor little Oliver Twist. But what a change it was when I began to ignore that 'poor'-ness that I was feeling so strongly....ah yes, it has been a long flight of stairs up to the darkest room in the house to open the darkest of drawers in the chest that I always thought were empty...and then I discovered that there was no emptiness....the drawers were full of gifts waiting to be opened by me. And yes, the journey up that long flight of stairs has been a slow, painful and heart-breaking one for me.....and I have many more drawers to open.....
Although I have loved and still enjoy and need my solitude, for a large part of my life I have also yearned for friendship and intimacy where there is no effort needed on the part of anyone to really tend it or make it grow. That yearning has been deep. From when I was little, I remember how I never knew how to be a part of gangs naturally. I was never one who could just follow the crowd for the simple reason of feeling included. I valued myself too much for that and still do. Maybe I have a huge ego, or maybe you can also see it as self-respect. I am still figuring that out. And so I have had the opportunity to enjoy very very few friendships where I could simply be myself, without having to put on any airs or masks. I am grateful to those few spaces.
I also saw how Life had denied me some simple pleasures that I have seen and watched many others around me enjoy quite effortlessly... from when I was young, and then a teenager. The joy of a phone call just to check how I am doing, an impromptu visit home, the thrill of a sleepover or a trip somewhere together, or just hanging out somewhere together. I have had a very measly share of that. That was how I saw it. Perhaps that was my own making because of the kind of person I was. I don't know. No one called just because they felt like calling me. And I didn't because of my extreme shyness and awkwardness. I always waited for others to initiate. I was not sure what to say or do and did not know how to too. I found it difficult to open up and speak, which made it all the more hard for me, and maybe them. And so I fell silent, hoping that someone would listen to that and bail me out. Some people did, but most never knew and never did. And I carried this pain with me all along, not knowing what to do with it or how to handle it. Finding a friend in my husband and in another, was a huge turning point. It cracked open the shell I used to hide in, slowly and surely and gently. But I still find it challenging to open up and speak, initiate and flow using words.I don't know if I will ever overcome that fully or even need to. But I know more now than before that I love that part of me - that silence, that shyness, that awkwardness. For I know that that is where my true voice is born.
Yes I have only now maybe started saying 'yes' to Life, more than I used to. This is a new-found joy and confidence that I am basking in. Yet some of that pain is still there inside - of not mattering to people and of not being loved for who I am. It rears its head every now and then, as if to remind me of something. Perhaps to show me how much more I need to love myself, or how much more I have to feel comfortable in my own skin, or simply a reminder of something that I still don't know and have to figure out. The spark... the fire that drives me to enjoy the simple serendipity that is Life.
Well, it's only recently that I started saying or rather became aware of saying 'yes' to life....being more spontaneous in opening up myself to Life and what it had to offer me. Today, I can say with a little more confidence and a spring in my step, that I understand the value and joy in simply opening up to Life more and more. And by opening up to Life I don't mean going after my desires, or seeking only joy or fulfillment in a moment that is not there now...what it means to me is to simply welcome anything that comes up in my Life, without wishing it away.
About three weeks ago, I was at rock bottom low a couple of times.....yes, I felt completely worthless, unloved, used and down in the dumps. The trigger was something from outside that brought back some old painful memories.There was a lot of pain and grief that I realised I had never given vent to before, and had perhaps moved on from prematurely. Perhaps that was why it was coming up again. This time however, I allowed myself to feel it completely, without wishing it away. I opened myself up to what was flowing into my life at that point. I let the pain soak in and sting me as it needed to. I let the extreme hatred that I felt for myself and others fill up my every pore. I cried, I hurt, I bled inside, without wanting to suppress any of that. I felt waves of anger rise inside - anger for being treated like an outcast and a nobody by Life. I remembered how I had always identified with one of the songs we learned at school (Nobody's Child) which was how I felt for a long time about myself. And that feeling came back more strongly than ever. It was a deeply painful, challenging, yet most fulfilling journey within. For it was when I almost drowned that I realised how much I actually wanted to survive. I realised how I was waiting for others to see my worth and love me, and waiting for Life to say 'Yes' to me, instead of seeing my own worth and saying 'yes' to Life.
That was a huge turning point for me. There was a huge shift within....a swell of self-love, like I had never experienced before. It was like a breath of fresh air after being dunked in murky water up to the point of drowning. I could finally lift my head up with my chest puffed out and breathe free, look to the sky and into the blazing sun with my eyes open and say 'yes, I want to live and live the way I want to.' I felt like a bird who had just discovered that it had wings.... wings that would help me fly to worlds I had never experienced or dreamed of exploring before.
It was funny and strange how when I said 'yes' to Life, Life seemed to start saying 'yes' to me. Suddenly I saw the same people who I thought didn't value me, show their care and an understanding of my skills and contributions. Suddenly the way I saw these issues changed almost overnight; and I felt ready to be 'used' by Life to be of service to the larger community, for that was what I wanted to do anyways. Feeling 'used' didn't matter to me so much any more, because I started seeing it in a completely new way:
When you realise that you are but an instrument of the Universe, to be 'used' for the sole purpose of adding something to the larger whole, all your ideas of being 'used', 'misused' or rotting in 'disuse' are composted into something beautiful......your whole life becomes a sacred offering of devotion to the Universe.
And then came this casual chatty statement from my friend - "Come off ya!", when we were chatting on Facebook one day, about her going to volunteer at a Tibetan Village Children's School in Dharamsala. She was making a trip all the way from the U.S. for two weeks, just to volunteer there for the refugee children's winter break, as they had no 'home' to go away to. I have often felt that one of my greatest failings is that I take people and their words too seriously, and suffered because of that, because I often discovered later that most people do not really mean what they say. This time too as I usually do :), I took her seriously and started thinking more about her asking me to come. The only difference this time was that I was already in the groove of saying 'yes' to Life, and so there were no excuses and reasons I was coming up with to weigh against that desire to go. And it paid to take her words seriously, for a change!
I started doing some serious research about going - at first I planned to go alone, but my two loves seemed too keen to come too, and so we made plans to go together. And everything seemed to flow smoothly from then on. I could feel myself flowing effortlessly with life, and life opening up spaces where I thought there would be walls that stifled the flow.
My friend's words - "We live only once ya! Just come!..." tripped me wide awake. Yes, that was what Life was trying to tell me! I suddenly heard that loud and clear, and the way I saw everything turned on its head. And I could see how all the things that I thought were stumbling blocks, were actually stepping stones showing me the way. Life was talking to me and I was listening to her. You will see that perhaps, as you read on...
My son shared with me on his own, how he was okay for me to go alone too as he knew how much I needed that time with myself and my friends. He also said that if we went together, he would still give me that space to do what I wanted to, when I wanted to. His saying this and understanding this after all these years of my patient waiting and many a sacrifice of sorts, meant so much to me. He is my world and was showing me yet again what a beautiful world I have.
My husband as usual with his completely different take on money, made me see yet again for the nth time, that money is energy and that it has to flow. While I was worried as to how we would find and spend so much money on travel now (money that we didn't really have ready and stashed away in the bank), he made me see how we had so far always got whatever we needed without any struggle, and that we should have faith that Life would take care of us. And so we went, using some that we had and some that we used on credit, trusting that Life would show us the way and help us find a way to repay that. We spent a lot of money on this trip, just for us to go. But we also let it flow on effortlessly in the things we bought as gifts for others, in the generous tips we gave to people, using it to contribute to the local culture and economy in our own small ways. That is how we see money as energy that needs to flow without getting stuck. And I must say that I am enjoying living like this more and more.
There is a sense of freedom of living free (in a manner of speaking) from the clutches of money , that is liberating in the moment. While I know that to the rest of the world this could seem like total irresponsibility, arrogance even and madness, as a person who is involved and a part of this whole experience with money in this way, I can only say how responsible, humble and free I feel to look at money in this way now. To the world it could seem like we are actually getting further enmeshed into the debt culture, digging our own graves in the quagmire from which there is no escape. But then what is freedom really? True freedom is in the moment isn't it? And about freeing the mind to re-imagine and rethink what we believe is our reality now? And everything feels different when you know deep down and feel it in your bones that Life is speaking to you and showing you the way. What happens to you and around you then becomes a part of the conversation that you are having with Life.
Yes, we live as much in the moment as we can. And that is also a way of saying 'yes' to Life, because you are then completely present with it as it is unfolding now to you and for you. To say 'yes' to Life is to have implicit trust in it and the way it works....and like a dear friend shared, when there is so much trust, there is no real need for courage. Courage just happens without any effort. Trust is the light and courage is the shadow of that light that we see. And my truest mirror is Life. I know when I am on the right track; for she gives me a nod - clear and loud, just like she did this time, and just like she has done in the past, countless times. Sometimes I wonder if I really need anyone else to show me the way or tell me how or where I am going wrong. To speak with Life is to look beyond the people who carry the messages that she sends ...it is to look straight into the white of her eye knowing how much she loves you and how she is giving you just what you need now.
So this trip was in many ways a huge learning for me on how to say 'Yes' to Life. It was a dream trip, because it is the first one in the 44 years that I have been on this planet, where I have gone to spend time with friends, without any other work or agenda, other than simply being. It was the first time also that a friend thought of calling me like this, and the first time I felt an urge to say 'yes' spontaneously. It was a dream trip because every person on that trip had dreams and most of them came true - from seeing the Taj Mahal, which we thought would not happen because Obama was visiting Agra around the same time (and then he cancelled at the last moment and we got to go!), to seeing snow and catching hail, to walk as it snowed, long walks with friends into serendipity, some simple all-girls' fun, watching the sunrise and sunset over the grand Himalayas, feeling the chills of stark winter, treks on mountain trails and much more.....What louder message could Life give to me than that, to tell me that I was on the right track?
And you know what? Up until then, I didn't think I deserved any of this. I felt like an outcast and that life was serving me left-overs. Until I began to see that what I saw as left-overs was all the food that I really needed. I didn't need a feast. But of course as a broken human, I was always asking for more, like poor little Oliver Twist. But what a change it was when I began to ignore that 'poor'-ness that I was feeling so strongly....ah yes, it has been a long flight of stairs up to the darkest room in the house to open the darkest of drawers in the chest that I always thought were empty...and then I discovered that there was no emptiness....the drawers were full of gifts waiting to be opened by me. And yes, the journey up that long flight of stairs has been a slow, painful and heart-breaking one for me.....and I have many more drawers to open.....
Although I have loved and still enjoy and need my solitude, for a large part of my life I have also yearned for friendship and intimacy where there is no effort needed on the part of anyone to really tend it or make it grow. That yearning has been deep. From when I was little, I remember how I never knew how to be a part of gangs naturally. I was never one who could just follow the crowd for the simple reason of feeling included. I valued myself too much for that and still do. Maybe I have a huge ego, or maybe you can also see it as self-respect. I am still figuring that out. And so I have had the opportunity to enjoy very very few friendships where I could simply be myself, without having to put on any airs or masks. I am grateful to those few spaces.
I also saw how Life had denied me some simple pleasures that I have seen and watched many others around me enjoy quite effortlessly... from when I was young, and then a teenager. The joy of a phone call just to check how I am doing, an impromptu visit home, the thrill of a sleepover or a trip somewhere together, or just hanging out somewhere together. I have had a very measly share of that. That was how I saw it. Perhaps that was my own making because of the kind of person I was. I don't know. No one called just because they felt like calling me. And I didn't because of my extreme shyness and awkwardness. I always waited for others to initiate. I was not sure what to say or do and did not know how to too. I found it difficult to open up and speak, which made it all the more hard for me, and maybe them. And so I fell silent, hoping that someone would listen to that and bail me out. Some people did, but most never knew and never did. And I carried this pain with me all along, not knowing what to do with it or how to handle it. Finding a friend in my husband and in another, was a huge turning point. It cracked open the shell I used to hide in, slowly and surely and gently. But I still find it challenging to open up and speak, initiate and flow using words.I don't know if I will ever overcome that fully or even need to. But I know more now than before that I love that part of me - that silence, that shyness, that awkwardness. For I know that that is where my true voice is born.
Yes I have only now maybe started saying 'yes' to Life, more than I used to. This is a new-found joy and confidence that I am basking in. Yet some of that pain is still there inside - of not mattering to people and of not being loved for who I am. It rears its head every now and then, as if to remind me of something. Perhaps to show me how much more I need to love myself, or how much more I have to feel comfortable in my own skin, or simply a reminder of something that I still don't know and have to figure out. The spark... the fire that drives me to enjoy the simple serendipity that is Life.
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