Notes to Myself - 12

When something that triggered you earlier or made you feel an urge to stand up and defend yourself or what you believed in, now only brings a quiet smile, you know that something has changed within.

*******************

Pain and ecstasy or joy are intertwined...inseparable.....it is hard to not be with one, while you are experiencing the other....one paves the way in a sense for the other....the key I feel is to stay with what emerges without thinking about or hoping for the other...that is the way home for me.

*******************

When I go to a medical practitioner, and share my symptoms, I go because I myself do not trust my body, and that is reflected in what they say....their response is that ok you have a problem, and here is what can help you, and they want to 'fix' me, simply because I think I need to be fixed or think that my body does not know what to do....the distrust stems from me.

*******************

I don't see any form of medicine that doesn't have a one-size-fits-all approach.....not that I know too much about each....but my intuition (and I trust that) says that each one is stuck up in their own discipline almost fanatically.....and my heart doesn't resonate with this somehow....whether you choose allopathy or ayurveda or siddha or naturopathy, each one seems to treat the human being as yet another factory-made product that has to conform to certain rules and uniform disciplines...aren't they ignoring what is so blatantly obvious - that each form is a unique blend of body, mind and soul with its own unique set of experiences? At some level there seems to be a complete distrust in that fact...at some level there seems to be a hard core belief that we all have to be the same and do the same things, eat the same food, keep away from the same food, sleep at the same times, wake at the same time and feel the same things in the same way....somewhere we are missing the whole point....I wish I hadn't forgotten how to listen to my body as deeply as I need to.

*******************

A course in self-awareness? :)
R tells me this morning: "I don't know what's happening to me....suddenly there are so many changes....I am not scared of the dark anymore, I just feel much stronger in my body, I am not so sensitive to pain - that plane which fell on my leg yesterday didn't hurt me so much, and you can cut my nails now instead of waiting for me to go to sleep at night....what's happening?!"
...sigh...I wish I knew :)

******************

 We need more confessions, not healing circles.

******************

Life is a game of hide and seek between fear and love.

******************

Let the masks of superficiality drop down.
They are too light to hold themselves for long against the weight of truth.
Let the uneasy cold silence fill the spaces between us.
And let us sit with this silence - yours and mine, for as long as it takes.
And from those hidden, deep cracks, where silence reigns, truth will rise one day.
Quietly. With no airs about it.
Like the tiny blade of grass that peeps out from the damp stone wall.
The first sign of life in a world that has forgotten how to live.

******************

Breaking free one strand at a time.....there is no hurry.....I have a whole lifetime!

*****************

'Inclusion' for me today, is not an end; it is not a paradise that we long for and dream of creating; it is not a community's journey. It is an individual journey that each of us has to walk. A journey where we look within deeply to find the barriers we have built around love...a love which is looking for so many ways to flow out freely.....a love which is held back by fear of all kinds.....fear is our greatest and only barrier to inclusion, and unless we face our fears, our darkness, and look them in the eye, inclusion will continue to be a far away, unreachable dream, or a neatly pruned, manicured garden in a concrete jungle, that hopes to speak of an effort to 'green the environment'.

******************

Grateful to the human spirit that made me see time and again, that every thought and feeling has a purpose....nothing goes to 'waste' in life......it is an honor and privilege to live life like that - as if every moment and everything that emerges in it is a joyous celebration of life itself. Thank you.

*****************

 Sometimes you need to break the illusion that everything is an illusion and open yourself completely
to yourself and life.

****************

However much we try to 'organize' our lives and make it run as smoothly as we want it to, we cannot run away from darkness.....because the darkness is not outside, it is inside....every one of us.....either we (even if unknowingly) repress it and pretend to be happy and 'all there' or react to it by finding ways to move on and away from it, too scared to be still and silent and face our demons......I love what a dear friend said....something we all must do I feel : "to switch off the lights (artificial illumination)...and bring the darkness... so we can finally see the light of the stars that we all are."

*****************

We move sometimes too quickly towards kindness and peace, because we want it so so badly...or the world around us makes us feel so....they are the great 'virtues' that we all 'ought' to have...but they are the ones that haunt us and make us hate ourselves even more....it is in the 'staying' just that little more in the shame and the guilt, that helps us love ourselves completely, and get out of that trap and make a clean break.

*****************

When we feel judged by someone, or the other feels judged by you, it is because we are both judging each other unconsciously. Judgement is a deep longing for completion....to see oneself as complete, enough. Looking outside at the other, is the way towards completion, because you cannot feel oneness and completion by yourself. It is only through a relationship with someone, or something in nature, that you can arrive at, feel and embody this. The key is to look outside, but at the same time to also look within deeply. To judge with your heart and not your mind. Then the line of separation between you and the other fades and you feel whole, complete.

*****************

To experience what it feels to be complete, or see yourself as completing yourself, you need a relationship with someone or something.....whether that is a person, or the hills or the ocean or the sky or a flower....you cannot see or feel oneness by being alone....we have to go through the tunnel to see the light, even if the tunnel is just an illusion....yet another paradox of life :)....at least this is how I feel now.

*****************

I look to nature when I think of vulnerability.....everything sits out there in the sun, the rain or whatever - all vulnerable and yet 'out there'......and so yes, learning to let go of all defenses with everyone consciously....I think when one feels complete is when one gets there... **************** It is so hard to hold something that is unresolved inside when you look to every relationship as a key to learning more about yourself.....especially when this has remained unresolved over many years....one always seeks a closure or an opening, as one then feels one can move on....it is much easier to just talk it all out and face everything head on for some people but not for some others perhaps....and I am realising now that some knots perhaps cannot be untangled.....one just has to live with these knots that are much like the seams of socks or dresses that a sensitive person is constantly aware of...and find a way to wear them anyway and move on... *************** There are so many times when you feel you are standing at a 'crossroad' or a 'fork' in your life.....and you feel that you have it all worked out for yourself....your mind starts listing out the choices you have - two, three, four.....but most often it limits itself to two - this or that :)...but Life has a way of throwing you into the wild and the unknown....so if you limit yourself to a few choices, you often find yourself caught in a rut, in the same grind...and so it is perhaps wiser to see yourself standing at a precipice wherever you are at any given point in time....living on the edge of infinite possibilities.....that brings a whole new dimension to living and life! *************** Why do we stress about making choices and decisions, even when we know that all paths lead home? When what we choose is so connected to what we don't choose, we still feel fearful of taking the next step....even when we know that there is only one 'home' and that we are certain of getting there some time, somehow! Again the funny interplay of the mind and the heart :).... It is just so hard with these two at play to simply 'rest' into life :) phew! **************