Social niceties and "Paying it forward"

Ralph Waldo Emerson, in his 1841 essay Compensation wrote: "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

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Our life-learning journey has been plagued with friends, grandparents, neighbours and others, who have looked at us with scorn and worry for not "guiding" or "teaching" or "disciplining" our son for not responding to their social greetings and niceties. So much time is spent on these "Hi's", "bye's", "sorry's", "please's"and "thank you's". I have often wondered why we needed to do that. And while we focus on these words, we often miss out on that faint smile, or a twinkle in the eyes, or the fleeting contact of eye to eye, that probably convey so much more than these often empty words.

Earlier, this used to haunt me and I would get perturbed about handling people's remarks. Not any more. We don't ask our son to say his "hi's", "bye's", "please's", "thank you's" and "sorry's" anymore, except for a gentle reminder, just in case he wants to but has forgotten! Sometimes, he just looks up briefly to say something, and at most times, doesn't even seem to pay attention. We do however talk about all that later with him, and try and present the other person's point of view. We have heard remarks that ranged from " spoiling him" to " total lack of discipline"  to pointing to our " lack of maturity" for "guiding" him. Some have even told him that they wouldn't give him the gift that they had brought for him, if he did not say what they wanted him to say! 

There have been times when I have retorted bluntly to some of these remarks, and times ( more recently) when I have just smiled and held that space, with compassion for the person uttering those words....because saying something would only add to the hurt and insecurity that that person was anyway feeling, when he expected something like this from my son. I have followed my heart on most occasions. I have grown in my understanding of myself and my insecurities...and so I do try harder to understand the same feelings that arise in others who touch our lives. But that has not been easy, as these are soaked in our breath and blood and have become such an integral part of who we are and what we want....and so we are unable to separate these from ourselves, as they are what make up the fabric of our insecure life.

Why is it so? Why do we have to rely on these mundanities to assess ourselves? Do we not have the courage to face someone who doesn't acknowledge us or even love us? Why is that so hard to accept? And why should these be tools to measure how much someone loves us or needs us? But, they are. They are SO important to us everyday, at every moment. We take it so personally if these are not responded to and in an appropriate way. Why? Even kids with special needs are assessed on these and labelled sometimes for life if they don't meet some of these societal norms ( of course there are many other criteria and ALL are taken into consideration), but these are VERY important too. 

What we don't see then is that if kids respond to these social niceties because they are told to or forced to, they might just do it for the sake of doing it and for satisfying someone's ego, but not really feeling sorry or grateful or wanting to acknowledge the other, with those deep, honest feelings that arise from their innermost core. So would we want them to say something that they don't fully feel? Would we want them to share something or give something for the sake of giving and satisfying another's need, or would we want them to give because they have understood and feel the joy of giving freely, without any hope of return? 

I feel that it is only when their feelings are honoured fully now, can they pay it forward. So, even if they do not respond to the person talking or giving them something now, they will pay it forward someday. But we expect that to happen NOW. That is the problem. We are scared that it might not happen ever. We are scared of  things becoming a habit, when we are unconsciously reinforcing another habit! :)

I wish they weren't so important. I wish each one of us would love ourselves enough so that we don't wait for another to acknowledge us and love us. I wish we would not look to another to fulfil these criteria, before we think of them as worthy to be our friends. I wish we wouldn't measure how much someone cares about us, or how disciplined he/ she is, based on his / her response to these social niceties. I wish we could each be free to be ourselves and yet be heard. I wish we could listen to each other truly, in the silence and in the pauses that are woven into each interaction. I wish I could be "me" and you could be " you" and yet find ourselves in each other. That would be so beautiful, wouldn't it? And  more than all this, we would each have an opportunity to "pay it forward" , instead of giving back to the same person who started the chain!  That could create such a huge ripple effect and set off a huge wave of kindness and compassion in our community.

So the next time we see a child, let's stop and watch him/her closely; let's be still and silent and listen to those words that they do not speak. Let's listen with our hearts, not with our minds. Let's touch them with our innermost core. Let's hold our intentions with grace and love and let go of all outcome or expectation. Let's be our true selves and let them be themselves too.

When we look at something a little differently now from the way we have been seeing it all this while, we open a new window to endless possibilities.

So come, let's open our eyes and hearts; stand together and look out with wonder and joy! Let's give with joy completely now, with a trust that that will be paid forward in some way, some day.