Like every other post, I need to write this for myself more than anyone else...to honour the grief that I am feeling now, for many things inside...to let it flow, fill over and trickle down so that it finds a place of its own somewhere...instead of simmering and burning up my insides, or getting buried under layers of justifications, that I as a human being can so easily cook up...
Yes I am grieving. Not because someone has passed on. But because, deep down my heart knows what is coming and what I have to let go of. No one has passed on. But some parts of my life are going to pass on. They will pass on peacefully when I have grieved enough I think. And this post is about my grieving for those parts that have given me so much pleasure and peace all this while. Even as I write this, there is something inside that does not want to let go....it wants to hold on to what is there now, to the comfort of a known, used idea, and something which has become so much a part of ME.
Over the last year or a little more, I have been segregating garbage, composting, and trying so hard to raise a little garden in the space that we have at home. While I have been successful in the first two, raising a garden has been challenging. We have a common small terrace that I share with my neighbour, where we have a small garden. Over the last year, I have been trying to grow some orchids and lilies (we got bulbs from Sikkim where we went for a holiday), tulsi, karpooravalli, desert rose, curry plant, keerai (greens), pudina, coriander, methi, bhindi, tomato, brinjal, basil, turmeric and jasmine. Some plants have survived and grown well, while some sprouted and withered, some grew for a while and then died, some were attacked by pests and some just died for reasons I do not know.
I was introduced to gardening in a very different way, by my son . I have seen my mother, grandmother and mother-in-law raise gardens and spend hours in them. But I did not take to it so much, although I love nature and greenery. To me, gardening was just growing a few plants, watering them, taking care of them and enjoying their produce or growth. This was how I felt until my son opened up a totally different perspective to it. He would talk about hugging trees to say how much he loves them for giving us shade and more, or urge me to not throw away seeds when we cut vegetables for cooking (even if it was a vegetable that would not perhaps grow and survive in the summer heat in Chennai). He would urge me to raise a small garden with the seeds we saved, and spend hours discussing Nature, how it works, how it takes care of itself and us, pollution, global warming and more. But he would also be the one who could not turn off the A/C in the car (because he is very sensitive to heat), or would leave the tap open and put his fingers in the way, to create and watch different trajectories for the water to take before it reached the floor, would want to take the car instead of taking a walk (even to the nearest shop) because he was just too tired of walking, or would suddenly change his mind about food and say to me: "It's ok if I waste this once in a while amma ...you can still put it in the compost." So, yes - Life is full of paradoxes.....and my son has taught me that the only way is to love them, because if there is one, there will always be the other.
With each plant that I helped raise in our little garden, I found immense joy - much like giving birth to a child; and with each one of those tiny creations that did not live longer, I felt deep pain and loss. When I started composting and gardening, I began to touch and feel the earth between my fingers....and with that, I found the lost connection I had with the earth. I healed. Gardening and composting have made me dig deep into myself and find parts that were lying hidden behind all the muck that had collected over the years. They brought me back in touch with myself and reality.
I have also enjoyed a special relationship with my neighbour in this process. She was the one who suggested that we raise a garden to stop people from throwing garbage into our balcony from the top floors. We have stood and chatted about plants and their medicinal value while I tended to my plants. She took care of my plants while I went on holiday, and I took care of hers when she was busy or away. We shared pots, seeds, soil and plants. I spoke to her of composting. Our children shared their excitement of witnessing plants grow, sprout new leaves and bear fruit. We rarely spoke to each other at other times, and yet shared our own special little friendship and community. It was beautiful and I am grateful for what we received and shared, when we needed it.
My mother, father and grandmother who came home, loved to see me tend to a garden and encouraged me to try new things. They helped me identify plants that sprouted that I could not identify, they shared with me how to keep away some insects and pests, gifted me with some plants and cuttings, and I shared my compost with them. I am going to miss seeing my parents almost everyday.....as we will be much further away when we move house. This is going to be the second time (the first move was for about 6 months, when we moved briefly to Bangalore in 1999) that I will be away from them. Yes, we will be in the same city, but I will not get to see them as often as we do now. That hurts a lot, because I have not been away from this area (where we live now) and them since I was in school, which was a long long time ago! The pain is much like a new bride's bidai.
I am going to miss all this and more. I am going to miss my comfort zone. That is what I am grieving about I guess. But in the same vein, I can see some possibilities. Possibilities that make me have faith and renew my trust in the ways of the Universe. Perhaps this is a time for me to explore some boundaries with myself and others. Perhaps it is a time for me to let go of some other things that I have gotten too comfortable with or been holding on to. Perhaps it is a door to other possibilities that I had not even dreamed of. Who knows? And do I need to know?
Yes, I cannot raise a garden in the house we move into perhaps, but I am going to keep my mind open to the possibility of doing that somewhere sometime in the future. I am going to try and continue to compost and segregate garbage and share my compost with others, instead of using it in my own garden. I am going to try and save seeds from the veggies and fruits that we eat, like my son suggested to me. I don't know why, for who or for what, but just want to. I am going to see more of the silver lining in the clouds and enjoy and honour both - the cloud and the light behind! I am going to try and see a garden in something else. I believe that if we look deep enough, we can.
And yet, I am going to dream of being up in the hills somewhere someday and build my own little house of cob, with a garden around......I am going to dream of living in a caravan and traveling the country. I am going to dream.....because to dream is my nature as a human being.....to dream is to live....and to BE......HUMAN!
And Yay! I am not grieving so much anymore! :)
Yes I am grieving. Not because someone has passed on. But because, deep down my heart knows what is coming and what I have to let go of. No one has passed on. But some parts of my life are going to pass on. They will pass on peacefully when I have grieved enough I think. And this post is about my grieving for those parts that have given me so much pleasure and peace all this while. Even as I write this, there is something inside that does not want to let go....it wants to hold on to what is there now, to the comfort of a known, used idea, and something which has become so much a part of ME.
Over the last year or a little more, I have been segregating garbage, composting, and trying so hard to raise a little garden in the space that we have at home. While I have been successful in the first two, raising a garden has been challenging. We have a common small terrace that I share with my neighbour, where we have a small garden. Over the last year, I have been trying to grow some orchids and lilies (we got bulbs from Sikkim where we went for a holiday), tulsi, karpooravalli, desert rose, curry plant, keerai (greens), pudina, coriander, methi, bhindi, tomato, brinjal, basil, turmeric and jasmine. Some plants have survived and grown well, while some sprouted and withered, some grew for a while and then died, some were attacked by pests and some just died for reasons I do not know.
I was introduced to gardening in a very different way, by my son . I have seen my mother, grandmother and mother-in-law raise gardens and spend hours in them. But I did not take to it so much, although I love nature and greenery. To me, gardening was just growing a few plants, watering them, taking care of them and enjoying their produce or growth. This was how I felt until my son opened up a totally different perspective to it. He would talk about hugging trees to say how much he loves them for giving us shade and more, or urge me to not throw away seeds when we cut vegetables for cooking (even if it was a vegetable that would not perhaps grow and survive in the summer heat in Chennai). He would urge me to raise a small garden with the seeds we saved, and spend hours discussing Nature, how it works, how it takes care of itself and us, pollution, global warming and more. But he would also be the one who could not turn off the A/C in the car (because he is very sensitive to heat), or would leave the tap open and put his fingers in the way, to create and watch different trajectories for the water to take before it reached the floor, would want to take the car instead of taking a walk (even to the nearest shop) because he was just too tired of walking, or would suddenly change his mind about food and say to me: "It's ok if I waste this once in a while amma ...you can still put it in the compost." So, yes - Life is full of paradoxes.....and my son has taught me that the only way is to love them, because if there is one, there will always be the other.
With each plant that I helped raise in our little garden, I found immense joy - much like giving birth to a child; and with each one of those tiny creations that did not live longer, I felt deep pain and loss. When I started composting and gardening, I began to touch and feel the earth between my fingers....and with that, I found the lost connection I had with the earth. I healed. Gardening and composting have made me dig deep into myself and find parts that were lying hidden behind all the muck that had collected over the years. They brought me back in touch with myself and reality.
I have also enjoyed a special relationship with my neighbour in this process. She was the one who suggested that we raise a garden to stop people from throwing garbage into our balcony from the top floors. We have stood and chatted about plants and their medicinal value while I tended to my plants. She took care of my plants while I went on holiday, and I took care of hers when she was busy or away. We shared pots, seeds, soil and plants. I spoke to her of composting. Our children shared their excitement of witnessing plants grow, sprout new leaves and bear fruit. We rarely spoke to each other at other times, and yet shared our own special little friendship and community. It was beautiful and I am grateful for what we received and shared, when we needed it.
My mother, father and grandmother who came home, loved to see me tend to a garden and encouraged me to try new things. They helped me identify plants that sprouted that I could not identify, they shared with me how to keep away some insects and pests, gifted me with some plants and cuttings, and I shared my compost with them. I am going to miss seeing my parents almost everyday.....as we will be much further away when we move house. This is going to be the second time (the first move was for about 6 months, when we moved briefly to Bangalore in 1999) that I will be away from them. Yes, we will be in the same city, but I will not get to see them as often as we do now. That hurts a lot, because I have not been away from this area (where we live now) and them since I was in school, which was a long long time ago! The pain is much like a new bride's bidai.
I am going to miss all this and more. I am going to miss my comfort zone. That is what I am grieving about I guess. But in the same vein, I can see some possibilities. Possibilities that make me have faith and renew my trust in the ways of the Universe. Perhaps this is a time for me to explore some boundaries with myself and others. Perhaps it is a time for me to let go of some other things that I have gotten too comfortable with or been holding on to. Perhaps it is a door to other possibilities that I had not even dreamed of. Who knows? And do I need to know?
Yes, I cannot raise a garden in the house we move into perhaps, but I am going to keep my mind open to the possibility of doing that somewhere sometime in the future. I am going to try and continue to compost and segregate garbage and share my compost with others, instead of using it in my own garden. I am going to try and save seeds from the veggies and fruits that we eat, like my son suggested to me. I don't know why, for who or for what, but just want to. I am going to see more of the silver lining in the clouds and enjoy and honour both - the cloud and the light behind! I am going to try and see a garden in something else. I believe that if we look deep enough, we can.
And yet, I am going to dream of being up in the hills somewhere someday and build my own little house of cob, with a garden around......I am going to dream of living in a caravan and traveling the country. I am going to dream.....because to dream is my nature as a human being.....to dream is to live....and to BE......HUMAN!
And Yay! I am not grieving so much anymore! :)
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