Bidai

it was seventeen years ago
and I feel it come alive -
the tug in my heart, the pain in my soul,
as I lived my "bidai";
the lump in my throat rolls to and fro,
lost and stranded in the middle,
not knowing which way to go;
how do I swallow the pain and let go?
my whole being awash
with a searing, deep pain
of being cut to pieces,
which one do I give, which one do I take?
tears find their way
dropping slowly inside
to fill the emptiness
that I try to hide inside;
I remember how I sat
on your lap, hugging you tight;
was I scared to abandon the child
to become a woman that night?
or was I seeking a love
in a dream that grew with me,
blind to the love
that was already inside of me?
was I angry with myself
for not standing up to be
the real person that was hiding
under layers that others thought was me?
was I convicting myself guilty
of an unspeakable crime,
not realising that the Universe
was unfolding dreams - yours and mine?
then why is it so hard for a girl
to say her "bidai" even today?
why is it not a happy moment?
why is there so much pain?
it's not just a soap opera,
life's drama or a game,
what is it then about a "bidai"
that brings to life - the human pain?